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Disclaimer: I own Nothing. The song belongs to the beatles. The characters
to Joss.
A/N: Hope you like, if you do plz,plz,plz, review. I love knowing what you think.
What
Goes On (In Buffy’s Mind?)
Verse 1 – season 5
What goes on in your heart?
What
goes on in your mind?
You are tearing me apart
When you treat me so unkind
What goes on in your mind?
The
other day I saw you as I walked along the road
But when I saw him with you I could feel my future fold
It's so easy
for a girl like you to lie
Tell me why
How could she treat me like that? I went there tonight and opened
my heart to her, trying to make her see that I could try and be good enough for her. She said i was like a serial killer in
prison, but they can still fall in love. What makes her think i can’t? I didn’t want to fall in love with her,
but for some reason things never go the way that i want them to. If they did she would have been dead years ago. But no, life
likes to keep playing kick the Spike. And she always treats me like crap, no matter how hard i try. I’ve been helping
her and her bloody Scoobies for the past year but it isn’t good enough. But why not? What more can i bloody do?
The
other day, well i guess technically it was still the middle of the night, she was out slaying. There had been some new demon
or other so she was out still at 4 am looking for it. I watched her as she walked along thinking how much i wanted to just
walk up to her and kiss her. I honestly thought that we could make a go of things, after all Buffy and i, well we’re
not all that different. Not really. I could see some sort of future for us, ok so it didn’t include kids or picnics
in the park on a saturday afternoon. But there could be something. At least i thought so, but then Captain Cardboard just
had to show up and that all went to hell. That future i could imagine was gone. Because she kissed him, and i remembered that
the slayer wanted normal. She wanted whitebread over there because he was normal, could do no wrong. So i wouldn’t get
her. She wouldn’t accept me as long as he was around.
So months passed and Riley was gone, i had made
sure of that. I knew things would go to hell when i showed her Riley with that vamp whore. I thought maybe she would want
me then. But no, i got that daft bot thinking maybe that would do. But it was a poor substitute. When the real Buffy kissed
me after that thing with Glory, i had never felt so alive, even when i was alive. If i hadn’t been sure of my love before
i was then. I thought maybe after that things would change a bit. And i guess they did, she didn’t seem to hate me as
much. But it was never good, she would be fine with me one minute and hate me again the next. There wasn’t any truth
in her feelings, she wanted me to protect her family. I thought it was about her trusting me, but it wasn’t. She let
me believe it, that was her lie, she just wanted me to protect them because i was strong, vampire strength and all.
And
then she went and got herself killed, she said we would defeat Glory and that it would be ok and then she died. Why did she
do it? I want to know that so much. I have no idea what was going on in her mind.
Verse 2- Season
6
What goes on in your heart?
What goes on in your mind?
You are tearing me apart
When you treat me
so unkind
What goes on in your mind?
I met you in the morning waiting for the tides of time
But now the tide
is turning, I can see that I was blind
It's so easy for a girl like you to lie
Tell me why
What goes on in your
heart?
She came to me again today. She was invisible but I still knew how much she needed me. Normally
I can see it in her eyes, but today I could just feel it. She needs to feel something and I want more than anything for her
to feel love. But she doesn’t, she always tells me what she feels. Disgust, because I’m an evil, soulless thing.
And because of that she’ll never love me. She doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that I changed. For her. The
day I saw she was back was the happiest day of my unlife, in fact probably my life. I thought maybe it would be a second chance,
and then she spoke to me, she told me things. Fine it was because it was her friend’s fault she was miserable and she
couldn’t tell them that but she still confided in me and that meant something to me.
That Warren git almost
made her do something stupid, and to stop her I let her beat me shitless. And it hurt a lot, and not just physically. But
I meant what I said, you do always hurt the ones you love. And she denies it, she always says she’ll never love me and
I tell her she’s lying to herself. But she has proved she feels something towards me. Maybe when she’s screwing
me into the floor she really does feel disgust but deep down there has to be something more. Because if there wasn’t
then she wouldn’t keep coming back. She could find someone else to make her feel. But she keeps coming to me and there
must be a reason for that.
I don’t know what she’s thinking, I let her treat me like crap and I don’t
know why. I do know her head is completely fucked up. I may know what upsets her but that doesn’t mean I understand
what is going on in there. But I want to.
I keep waiting for things to be different, I’m sure that one day she’s
going to stop lying to herself and realise that she feels something for me. Something that may not be love yet but could be
eventually.
Well she ended it tonight, Captain Cardboard came back and she came to me for one last go and then
she ended it, said the whole thing was killing her. But what about me, it’s killing me too and I’m already dead.
All I want is to love her and for her to love me. But as far as she was concerned as long as she got what she wanted I didn’t
matter. Why the bloody hell is that?
The whelp’s wedding didn’t go ahead but I did see the slayer
and she said she was jealous. Said seeing me with someone else hurt. Well now she knows how I felt watching her with Riley.
And then I get drunk and sleep with Anya, and Buffy gets angry. She finished things but still seems to think she has the right
to decide what I do. I don’t know what she wants from me. She treats me like shit for months, sleeping with me, using
me and then she breaks my heart and still I’m supposed to be her puppy dog. I don’t know, she must feel something;
she denied it and denied it. But she hurts when I’m with someone else. What is going on in that head of hers, in her
heart? But I want to know, I’ve had enough, I’m going over there to find out what the hell is going on in her
mind.
Verse 3- Season 7
I used to think of no one else, but you were just the same
You
didn't even think of me as someone with a name
Did you mean to break my heart and watch me die?
Tell me why
What
goes on in your heart?
What goes on in your mind?
You are tearing me apart
When you treat me so unkind
What goes
on in your mind?
Things have been different since this whole thing with the first. When I first came back,
crazy in the basement she still hated me. I don’t blame her; I did try to rape her after all. And I regretted it from
the second I realised what I was doing. And she wasn’t going to forgive me and I wouldn’t have blamed her, but
for some reason she did. And we became friends I suppose. The day she told me she believed in me was the greatest day of my
life. She never would have said that a year or so ago. But I could see that she meant it and that meant more than she would
ever know.
I never thought I could care about a person, a human girl, so much. I loved Drusilla, we were together
all that time but I still put what I wanted in front of most things. I didn’t care about people’s feelings as
long as I was ok. But now when I see her hurting I want to rip the throat out of whatever bastard hurt her.
She
was the same, she was a stuck up snobby bitch who was always concerned with how unfair her life was. She was always bitching
and moaning that something up with her life. But deep down at the centre she cared more than she ever let on. She would have
done anything to protect those worthless friends that threw her out of her own house.
And things between both of
us have changed, last year I was nothing more than a thing, my name didn’t matter as long as I serviced her needs. I
was her toy, but this year I’ve been her friend and she has been my saviour. I don’t think I would have survived
if she hadn’t found me when she did. She brought me back and let me into her world. And into her heart in the end. That
night laying with her was the best of my life; I knew then that she finally let me in. She needed me but it was a different
kind of need.
And then we went down into the hellmouth and I stood by her side in that fight. She was going to
save this world again and she knew she would do it. She wouldn’t give in and I had never loved her more. In the end
it came down to me, and you might think I’m a bloody idiot for doing it but if I had to die so she could live I didn’t
care. That amulet sent beams through me to kill those things and the potentials were leaving but she didn’t. She wanted
me to leave; at least she said she did. She wouldn’t have done that a year ago. She took my hand and they burst into
flames. There must have been some sort of symbolism in that but I was too busy thinking how much I loved her to think about
it. And then she said those words I had wanted to hear for years. She finally said she loved me, and the words broke my heart.
Because I would never get the chance to find out if she really meant it. In some ways I think she was cruel to tell me then,
did she want to hurt me when I was dying, was that her intention? She got away in time. And I burned with a broken heart because
I would never know if she meant it. Never know why she hurt me so much and often intentionally. Never know what she really
felt for me or what she wanted us to become. I’ll never know what goes on in Buffy’s mind.
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