What's Mine is Yours

What's Mine is Yours

Chapter 1 - Non-Friendly Situations

She looked in the mirror, surveying the damage. It wasn't too bad
really. Could have been a lot worse. The purple bruise on her cheek
would be easy enough to cover up, as would the one near her lip. The
others she could hide with her clothes. She picked the small round pad
out of her make up bag, dipping it into her powder; she brought it to
her cheek and started softly patting the purple bruise. She watched as
it began to disappear. It took her another fifteen minutes but soon
she could look in the mirror and no ugly, purple marks were invisible.
Now to hide the rest.

She pulled a red long sleeved sweater from her closet. Then a pair of
simple blue jeans. She hurriedly dressed. She rushed around her room
collecting everything she needed for the day. Glancing at the clock,
she grabbed everything in her hands and began shoving them in her bag.
Taking one last look in the mirror to make sure she looked
presentable, she quietly opened her bedroom door. She looked to her
left, seeing her mom's bedroom door still closed, she moved quiet as a
mouse, down the stairs and straight out the door.

At lunch later that day, after managing to barely concentrate on her
classes, Buffy made her way towards her usual table on the quad where
her friend was sitting.

"Hey Wills." she said taking her usual seat.

"Hey Buff, how are you?" Willow said lightly scrunching her eyebrows.

"I'm ok,” she answered, but not in a believable way.

Willow gave her a funny look.

"I'm ok!" she repeated, louder this time.

"If you say so." The redhead knew something wasn't right. And she
thought she knew what it was. Buffy had been acting strange for a
while, and Willow was worried about her. But they were best friends,
and Willow was determined to find out what the hell was going on. And
she was going to find out today.

"Hey Buff, I need to go to the bathroom. Come with?"

Buffy nodded "Sure." she stood, carrying her empty lunch bag to the
trashcan. She then turned back to her friend. They walked together in
absolute silence. That wasn't a strange thing for them anymore. But a
few months a go, you could never shut either of them up when they were
together. And they both wanted that back.

Willow marched into the bathroom ahead of Buffy. After checking that
there was nobody else inside, she locked the door. She turned to
Buffy, her resolve face already firmly in place. Someone had to take
the initiative and get to the truth. Willow wasn't usually the kind of
person who took charge. That had always been Buffy. But, on this
occasion it would seem she didn't have any choice but to take control.

"What..." Buffy started only to be immediately cut off by Willow.

"Buffy, something is going on here. I don't know for sure what but I
have an idea. So you can either tell me, or I will find out for
myself."

"Willow, nothing is wrong." Buffy wiped her clammy hands on the side
of her jeans, something she did when she was nervous and it did not go
unnoticed by Willow. That was it.

"Really? Because I don't believe you. Something is going on Buffy.
You've been different for a while, and that's not because of "nothing"
it's because of something. I want to know what."

"It's nothing," Buffy mumbled again.

"Ok, I guess I'm going to have to find out for myself then." Willow
declared, marching right up to Buffy and grabbing her wrist, noticing
Buffy's wince when she did so. She looked Buffy square in the eye as
she pulled up her sleeve, revealing red handprints and bruises
scattered the length of her arm. Willow gasped when she saw it.

"Buffy, what the, where did these come from?"

Buffy didn't say anything, but Willow saw a lone tear slip from her
friend's eye. And she knew.

"Your mom." she whispered. Buffy, unable to say anything, only nodded
that her friend was correct. Willow was only partly surprised.
Everyone knew that Buffy's mom wasn't a particularly nice person. In
fact, at times she could be downright loony. And they knew she could
be violent, but Willow had never thought the violence had been
directed at Buffy. She couldn't believe how wrong she had been.

"Buffy, how long has this been going on?" Willow as gently as
possible, not wanting to upset her friend further.
Buffy sniffed. "About a year or so. But only really bad for the past
few months."
Willow wrapped her am around Buffy, as a show of comfort.

"Buffy, I'm so sorry. I wish you would have told me. But we can sort
this out now. We will, I promise."
Buffy pulled away from Willow, shaking her head forcefully.

"No, Willow. You cannot tell anyone about this. We only have a year of
school left. It'll be ok. But if she finds out people know, it will
only get worse. Please just leave it be" she begged.

"But Buffy, she's hurting you." Willow was desperately trying to get
her friend to see sense.

"I can handle it. Please just promise me you won't say anything, to anyone."

Willow felt close to tears herself by now. She wanted to help Buffy,
and keeping the situation secret wouldn't do that. But Buffy looked so
desperate too. And Willow just couldn't bring herself to disagree with
anything her friend wanted when she saw that on her face. So,
hesitantly she nodded that she would keep the secret.

"Thank you so much." Buffy said as she pulled her friend into a hug.

"I don't like this Buffy."

"I know Wills, but I promise I'll be ok. If things get worse I'll tell
you." Buffy crossed her heart as she said the words.

"You better, because I don't want to see anything bad happen to you."

"It won't, I promise." Buffy then picked up her things. She unlocked
the door. She was almost out the door, she noticed Willow wasn't
following she turned back to her.

"You coming?"

Willow forced herself to smile.

"Yeah," she followed Buffy out, just as the end of lunch bell rung. So
they change the direction they were heading in.

"So, what are you doing after school?" Buffy was trying to lighten the
mood, and take the conversation away from her situation. She knew
Willow wouldn't buy her false cheerfulness. But she also knew, her
friend would go along with it.

"No plans. I was intending maybe stopping in at the Espresso Pump for
a coffee before heading home. You know, with you and Xander."

"Same as normal then." Buffy stated.

Normal, now there was a word. Things that everyone did, that everyone
experience. So, she would keep putting on a happy face and acting like
everything was fine. Yeah, normal, that was what she needed. But also
what she knew she may never have.

Chapter 2: Mommy Dearest

Buffy was weary as she arrived back home that afternoon. She could never guess what kind of mood her mother was going to be in, or if she would even be home at all. The uncertainty was one of the things that got to Buffy the most. Because sometimes, just when she thought things were okay, that maybe that would be the day that would pass without a beating or an argument; something always seemed to go wrong. Something happened to screw it all up.

Of course, the uncertainty wasn’t always there. Because there were days when she could tell straight away that it was a bad day. That a beating would come sooner or later. And she was always right. It always happened. She only wondered what kind of day today was going to be.

She opened the door, trying her best to be as quiet as possible, hoping to be able to sneak right upstairs and put off finding out for a little while. But no such luck.

“Buffy” her mother screeched as soon as she crossed the threshold. Buffy cringed at the sound of her mom’s voice. But if she tried to ignore her things would only be worse; so instead of going towards the stairs, she went in the direction of the living room.

“Hey mom” Buffy greeted, trying to pretend that everything was ok.

“You left without saying goodbye this morning”

“Sorry, I overslept” was the mumbled response.

Drusilla came right over to Buffy and grabbed her by the wrists.

“Don’t lie to me. I’m your mother you should respect me. I will not tolerate your disobedience,” she hissed. Buffy winced in pain as her mother’s long sharp fingernails dug into her tender flesh.

“I’m sorry; I won’t do it again,” she promised. Hoping beyond all hope that it would be enough. But she should have know better, it was never enough. Drusilla never loosened her grip

“ You better believe you won’t. Just remember Buffy, that you are my daughter. You do as I say, when I say it. You are an arrogant little bitch who has destroyed my life. I wish I never had you!” The woman’s English accent was more pronounced as she spat the words out. Buffy wanted to cry but she never did. At least not in front of her mother. Sometimes she allowed them to fall later, when she was by herself. But only when she was alone/

“Pleas, let me go” she begged

“You deserve it for lying”

“I didn’t, I swear I didn’t” Buffy cried out.

“Don’t answer back!” Drusilla yelled, slapping Buffy again. But this time, she didn’t stop. She kept slapping, and punching and scratching. And Buffy felt powerless to do anything about it.

Drusilla had moved to Sunnydale at 17, she was pregnant not long after. She met a guy a couple of weeks after she arrived and screwed him in the bathroom of a club the night they met. She never saw him again, not that she cared. The only part that she cared at all about was that she ended up saddled with a baby. That didn’t change her ways though. No, Buffy wasn’t deaf. He heard her mom with the different men she brought home every weekend. She’d had a couple of ‘serious’ boyfriends over the years, meaning there were a couple of guys she had sex with more than once. But they never lasted; it was mostly all one-night stands.

Hours later Buffy lay curled up in a ball on her bed. This beating hadn’t been as bad as some of the others. Drusilla had avoided hitting her in the face for a change. But her arms were covered with fresh cuts and bruises. But the emotional pain was worse than any physical pain. The scars on her body disappeared eventually, but the ones in her heart, those would never go away. So many thought were running around inside of her head. The thought that a mother was supposed to love her child. Not beat them and say that they regretted that the child had ever been born. There was supposed to be a bond between a mother and a daughter; and it hurt Buffy that she didn’t have that. It hurt that everywhere she turned she saw a mother and daughter who got on. A mother who cherished her daughter and wanted to spend quality time together, and when she saw them she wished silently that she was that daughter. That it was her mother who took her shopping to the mall, or out for ice cream. That it was her mother who always gave her a kiss goodnight and always told her how much she loved her. But it never was, and deep down she knew that it never would be and that was the thing that hurt more than anything. That her mother would never love her. That her mother would never care like that. It was those thoughts that always brought the tears eventually. And tonight was no different. Tonight, she lay there curled up and tears stained her face. She cried quietly, and in the next room she heard her mom with another of her one- night stands. Because she Drusilla had left just after she had finished beating Buffy. And as Buffy tried to block out the sound, her weeping softly continued.

Chapter 3: Moving

Two weeks had passed since that night. Things hadn’t been great, but they hadn’t been just as bad either. Drusilla hadn’t been around much, she was always busy with her new boy toy, granted a lot of that time was spent in the house in the room next to Buffy, but at least it kept her away from Buffy for a little while. Also, it meant Drusilla wasn’t drinking as much, which helped. But just because there hadn’t really been a beating, didn’t mean that the verbal abuse had stopped. Oh no, that was as bad as ever. Whenever Buffy did see her mother, she was yelled at. She had been called a “whore” and a “bitch” so many times that she had actually started to believe it. After all, why would her own mother say it if it wasn’t true? And they do say like mother, like daughter. And she had slept with a few people, so it must be true. Or at least that’s what she kept telling herself.

Buffy hadn’t spoken to Willow any further about the situation either. Willow had tried to broach the subject several times, but Buffy had brushed her it off. She felt kind of like, if she pushed it far enough under the carpet then she could pretend it wasn’t happening. But it never worked. She still didn’t want to talk about it though. There were a lot of reasons, but mostly she didn’t want her friends to think any different of her. She knew Willow only wanted to help, but for some reason she still couldn’t bring herself to talk to her about it, because of her own fears. She wouldn’t accept any help; even from the person she called her best friend. Something inside just refused to let her. And it wasn’t just fear of her mother. She couldn’t figure out what it was.

So now, it was Friday afternoon, and Buffy, Willow and their other friend Xander were sitting in their usual booth at the pizzeria on Main Street. Xander was still oblivious to what was going on with his friend; he was still acting the same as ever. And in many ways Buffy was grateful, because that was what she wanted. So she sat in the booth at the pizzeria. They were talking about general things. How school had been that week, who had annoyed whom, how much Xander hated the jocks and the cheerleaders. Because Cordelia and Harmony were complete bitches, but Cordelia was still gorgeous and he still wanted her. Buffy was nodding and smiling alone. But she started to zone out. She stopped paying any real attention. She could see their lips moving but she didn’t hear the words that were coming out of them. AT least not at first, she saw Willow say something to Xander and then an exclamation cut right through and she heard those words

“She hit her?”
Buffy was horrified. ‘She told him, she told him, she told him’ those three words ran through her head. Her head snapped round to look at them and shook her head vehemently as she began to ramble on.

“Hit, no, nobody got hit. There was no hitting of any kind. She would never hit. You were wrong, completely totally wrong.”

Xander looked at her like she had grown a second head.

“Buffy, we were talking about a fight today at school. What are you talking about?”

Buffy looked horrified, she looked between her two friends. Before turning and running.

She didn’t stop running until she reached home. And as she ran through the door she didn’t even give thought to whether her mother was home or not. She just took straight for the stairs. However she came to an abrupt stop when she reached her room.

There standing amidst her things, and a lot of things that weren’t hers, was a man with white blonde hair. Dressed all in black, looking around.

“Who are you?” she asked startling him.

“Name’s Spike.”

“Where is my mother?” she asked.

“She had to go out. You must be Buffy.”

Buffy looked stunned, here was this man standing in her room. Why was he in her room?

”What are you doing here?” she exclaimed.

“Oh, I moved in today. I’ve been seeing your mum. And she told me I could use this as like a music room, to store my guitar and things. Because you like to sleep in the basement,” he did look quite bemused by that though. But Buffy couldn’t tell him otherwise.

“Oh yeah.” so this was her mother’s new toy, she thought to herself “Sorry my stuff is still here, haven’t gotten around to moving it or decorating yet. I’ll get it out of your way soon.”

“Don’t worry about it. Say, do you want some hot chocolate?”

Buffy nodded “Sure.”
She turned and waited for him to follow her from the room.

Buffy laughed, the first genuine laugh in a while. Spike seemed like he was a pretty descent guy. But he was sleeping with her mother so she couldn’t be sure. He could be a big sleaze, just like the rest of him.

“Well, I should get my stuff down to the basement.” she told him.

“I’ll help if you want.” he offered.

“Thanks.”

So they went and started moving everything. Her clothes, her wardrobe, her dresser. Everything. Bit by bit everything ended up in the basement, just waiting to be arranged. The only thing that wasn’t moved was the bed; instead she would be sleeping on a cot that was down there. She put on a bright smile as they worked. She wasn’t though, she no longer had a bedroom, instead she had been banished to the basement. But she couldn’t be angry at Spike, he seemed like he was only doing things based on what Drusilla had told him and she really wasn’t surprised that she would do something like that. And although she had managed to push it aside a little, it did hurt. Hurt that her mother cared so little.

Spike looked around the miserable, dingy little basement and wondered why she wanted to stay down here. But instead of just thinking it, he decided to ask her out loud.

“Buffy, why would you want to stay down here?”

Buffy couldn’t look straight at him when she answered.

“Peace, it’s quiet down here. And I usually leave in the morning before mom gets up so I don’t have to worry about waking her.” she said, hoping he would believe her. She was relieved that he seemed to. He simply shrugged, accepting what she said. She jumped when she heard the front door slam and her mom’s voice call out for Spike. He excused himself and went to see her.

Buffy busied herself moving things around, praying her mom wouldn’t come down. But things never went the way she wanted. And about 20 minutes later she heard her mother’s heels clicking on the concrete steps. Buffy immediately turned to face her, knowing it would anger Drusilla if she didn’t.

“Hi mom.” Buffy pasted a fake smile, but her mom never bought it. Drusilla kept what she had to say short, well at least compared to what she normally would say.

“I hope you like your new room. I don’t know how much of this will be staying though. I don’t think there’s enough room. Stay out of my way, and don’t be bringing any of your conquests back here you little whore. And I’m going to be busy with Spike, keep your mitts off. If I could, I would throw you out on the streets, I don’t want you here. But I have to put up with you, for now. But be warned, I wish you were never born. You’ll do well to remember that you do as I say and I can do as I wish. And Spike will not know anything about anything. Or you will be sorry.”

She looked at Buffy with such contempt before turning on her heel and stomping back up the stairs. Buffy stood frozen, watching her go. It was only a matter of moments before her walls crumbled and she sank to her knees, tears wracking her body. And she felt like they would never end.

Chapter 4: Time of the year

Buffy lay on her small cot on the basement, pulling her pillow over her head to try and muffle the sounds that her mom and Spike were making. She couldn’t believe it, even in the basement she could still hear them going at it. They were like rabbits, she didn’t think they even took a break sometimes.

She hadn’t really seen much of Spike since that first day, she was at school during the day and if he and Drusilla weren’t having sex then he was locked away in his music room. However, every time she did see him, even though it was mainly in passing he was nice enough to her. She hadn’t really spoken to him though, it was really just a basic impression. He could be really sarcastic sometimes she had noticed. But he seemed to have a good heart. So she wouldn’t condemn him just because he was seeing her mom, who was a complete bitch.

That was the other thing that got to Buffy. She had been beaten a few times in those weeks, normally when Spike had gone up or was holed up in his room. Drusilla would come down to the basement and pick a fight and then beat Buffy senseless, but as ever Buffy had done pretty well at hiding it. Even from her friends. But she was happy to have a couple of weeks of not having to hide it, because school had broken up for Christmas that afternoon. So Christmas was 3 days away and Buffy hadn’t bought any gifts. The one improvement since Spike moved in was that she actually received an allowance. She had always been given a small amount of money but it wasn’t much. She got more now. So she had save it up and was going to buy gifts tomorrow. If she ever got any sleep that is.

She pulled the pillow off her head and threw it with a groan, turning over on her other side, and trying again to block out the sounds.

She finally got to sleep about 2am, she didn’t think that had been the end of her mother’s activities for the night, but there was enough of a lull to give her time to fall asleep, and she was definitely thankful for that. But she had still woken up when her alarm went off and got herself ready for her day gift shopping at the mall. She moved around her ‘room’ tidying a little. Then she pulled her money out from a shoebox in her small wardrobe where she had stashed it. There was about $500. She had been getting around $50 a week, she thought her mom was trying still to impress Spike and play the caring mother when he was around. But at least she had enough money to buy pretty descent gifts. She had also been saving money over the last few months off the small allowance so she had more than she would normally have done, but she wasn’t going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

She had a fair idea what she was going to buy everyone. Now she just had to get out of the house without any arguments from her mother. She went upstairs and finished getting all her things together. She put her money in her purse and got ready to go, just as she was going into the hall, Drusilla and Spike came downstairs. Buffy smiled at them

“Morning,” she said as cheerfully as possible

“Morning,” Spike replied

“Good morning sweetheart, sleep well?” Drusilla asked as she kissed Buffy on the cheek. Buffy tried to hide her flinch. This was a new thing, Drusilla always acted this way when Spike was around both of them. Buffy just kept a smile firmly in place and played along with her mother’s act of happy families.

“Where you off to?” Spike asked.

“The mall, I wanted to go pick up some Christmas gifts,” she told him

“Cool,” he said, his English accent thick, “Hey, tell you what, I have some last minute shopping to do myself and your mom has plans this morning, how about I come with you? I’ll drive” he offered.

Buffy nodded, glad of the offer of a ride if nothing else “Sure,” she agreed.

“Ok, let’s go then.” He turned and kissed Drusilla quickly telling her he’d see her later before leading Buffy out, holding the door for her. Neither of them noticed the anger in Drusilla’s eyes.

Buffy laughed, she and Spike had done a lot of their shopping together so far and they were getting along well. She had been right, he could be a descent guy. They had talked about general things, Spike had told her all about his childhood in England. How he was a geek in school and changed his image when he got more into image and basically to give himself more confidence when he started university. He had realised after school that he could be whoever he wanted to be at university. It would be all new people and he could give himself a new identity. But he also told her that although he looked different on the outside and was more confident, he was still the same on the inside. He still had the heart of a poet.

Buffy was filled with admiration for him, he had changed himself for the better but still stayed a nice person. People, he had told her, always had a certain perception of him. And to some extent, yes, he played up to it. He played the role of the bad boy, but he also cared and loved with all he was, and in Buffy’s mind that was amazing.

She had told him about her friends. About how Willow was the person she could always turn to. And she talked about how much she loved her friends and could never be without them. She told him about school, classes and just everyday stuff. But never once did Drusilla come up in the conversation, the subject of her mom just never arose. Not that she minded of course. It was nice to have a day where she wasn’t thinking or worrying about her mom or what she was going to do. And she wasn’t going to do anything to damage the good feeling she had.

She now had only one gift left to buy, Spike’s. She had to get rid of him to give herself a chance to find something nice. After all, he lived with her and he was nice to her. That didn’t happen often with her mom’s boyfriends so she wanted to make an effort.

“Hey Spike, I have to go pick up another couple of gifts, but they’re special, for mom,” she lied “so why don’t we split up for an hour and meet up back here in an hour,” she suggested.

Spike was glad, he had to buy her a gift. He thought it only right, she was his girlfriend’s daughter after all.

“Ok,” he agreed “see you in an hour then pet.”

Buffy nodded, and said goodbye as the went their separate ways.

Buffy browsed the many shelves and displays looking for something. She wasn’t quite sure what. But she would know what it was when she saw it. She kept looking, and looking and finally she spotted it.

Spike smiled and thanked the sales assistant as he accepted the bag holding the gift. He was happy with his purchased, he grinned to himself as he exited the shop and went to meet Buffy.

On Christmas morning Buffy was shook awake. She opened her eyes to see a widely grinning Spike by the side of her bed. Buffy sighed and sat up.

“What do you want?” she mumbled

“It’s Christmas,” he announced, sounding wide-awake and very much like an excited little boy.

“Yeah” Buffy agreed in a voice that asked him to get to the point. Buffy hadn’t had a good Christmas in years so she couldn’t work up the excitement.
“Well, get up lazy bones,” he demanded. Buffy shook her head. “Get up, come on it’s Christmas, you’re supposed to be happy on Christmas.”

Buffy rolled her eyes, she wasn’t happy any other time of year, why should Christmas be any different. But he wasn’t going to give up so she shoved the covers away from herself and got out of bed, grumbling about it being far too early. She followed him upstairs.

A real smile spread on her face when she got there. A tree that had not been there the night before stood proudly in one corner. Gifts sitting neatly under it. And what was better In Buffy’s opinion was that Drusilla was nowhere to be seen. She turned to Spike

“This is great, but when did you do this?”

“After your mum, went to bed last night” he said “I know she said she was never a fan of decorating for Christmas, thinks it’s a waste of time but Christmas isn’t Christmas without a tree.”

“It looks great. But why isn’t mom here?”

“I had a feeling she wouldn’t appreciate being woken up so early, and anyway, I thought that maybe you would appreciate it. Maybe you could have a nice Christmas. I know your mom loves you and every family is different and you guys have just never been big on this holiday I guess. But I thought you should be allowed to experience it anyway.” He told her this, all the while still grinning at her.

Buffy felt her heart swell, it was nice that he wanted to show her what a Christmas like this could be like. She leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

“Thanks Spike.”

He shrugged. “It was nothing, I love this kind of Christmas. But your mom won’t be up for a while. What do you say I make breakfast?”

Buffy nodded and ran to the kitchen.

Buffy had just finished her second helping of chocolate chip pancakes when Drusilla came downstairs and into the kitchen. Buffy smiled and Spike kissed her on the cheek, wishing her a merry Christmas.

”Morning luv, now that you’re up we can open the pressies.”

Drusilla smiled stiffly, “Of course. I’m sure Buffy can’t wait to see her gifts, right sweetheart?” Buffy nodded.

“Well the what are we waiting for?” he asked before going straight to the living room. Closely followed by a happy Buffy and an unhappy Drusilla.

Buffy sat on the floor surrounded by her gifts. They were actually good,. There was a pile of clothes that she actually liked, a bunch of cd’s and dvd’s, make- up and toiletries. Like fancy shampoo’s and stuff; and a couple of books. They were much better gifts than she usually got, she knew that Drusilla was playing her part as the loving mother, and she continued to play along. She smiled and thanked her mom.

Spike reached under the tree and pulled out two gifts. One was in a rather large box. He handed them both to Drusilla. Buffy watched with Spike as her mother daintily opened the wrapping of the smaller gift box first. It contained a perfume set, in Drusilla’s favourite scent. She smiled and moved onto the next gift, which Buffy had helped him pick out. It was a long red and black elegant looking dress. Drusilla gushed over it and gave Spike a very passionate kiss, Buffy didn’t know where to look.

When the pulled apart, Buffy produced her gift to her mom. She handed the smaller box over, and watched her mom unwrap it. She carefully looked at her mother’s reaction to the small silver chain, with the pendant saying mom hanging from it. Spike had advised that it was a nice gift and Buffy wanted to keep up appearances. She could tell Drusilla’s smile was false and forced as she thanked her daughter profusely for such a lovely gift. Buffy smiled “It was nothing.”

She was about to hand Spike his gift but he beat her to it. He handed her a box. Buffy opened it carefully and she beamed when she saw what lay inside. It was a silver necklace, with a cross, the cross was made up of all the different jade stones, along with a small gem of the same jade colours at the end if each strand of the cross. It was absolutely gorgeous.

“Oh my god Spike, this is so beautiful, thank you so much.” She jumped up and threw her arms around him, almost wanting to cry at the thoughtfulness of the gift. Nobody had ever put so much thought into a gift for her.

“Well, you said you liked jade stones.” She had told him that day about how much she loved jade stones and he actually went looking for a gift that contained them and that meant a lot to her.

“I do, I love the gift Spike,” she smiled, and pulled away reaching behind her for her gift, handing it to him.

She was proud of her gift. Spike ripped the paper open and gasped at was inside, it was an original signed vinyl of the Beatles’ Abby Road album.

“Where did you find this?”

“Um, there was a store in the mall that sold rare music memorabilia. I knew you liked the Beatles, because you play their records all the time. So, if you don’t like it-“ she was abruptly cut off.

“Not like it, are you daft, I love it, best gift I ever got. Thank you so much”

“It was nothing,” she blushed repeating his words to her.

Buffy looked over at Drusilla who did not look happy. She had given Spike a watch and some aftershave and some other stuff. She didn’t know what and she had a feeling she didn’t want to.

“Well, time for lunch” Drusilla announced. Spike had also started Christmas lunch before he woke Buffy so it was all about done. Everyone went to the dining room to eat.

The rest of the day passed peacefully enough. But at 7pm Drusilla was ready to go to bed.

“Coming Spike?” she asked

“I was going to watch the movie,” he said looking mildly apologetic.

“Oh,” Drusilla bristled “ok, I’ll see you later” she left without another word. Spike sighed but didn’t go after her. He went back to the living room where Buffy was settled on the couch with a bowl of popcorn.

“Did you have a good day, pet?”

“It was great,” she said truthfully. “I’m glad you like your gift.” She went on shyly.

“I loved it, it was a very thoughtful and wonderful gift.”

“Yours too. I love it, but I don’t have it on yet. Can you?” she questioned. On his nod she reached down to where the box still sat on the floor. She pulled the necklace out and held it out to him. He took it from her and she turned away from him, pulling her hair up. He carefully slipped the chain round her neck and fastened it.

She turned back to him slowly and caught his eye. Her breath hitched in her throat, she had never noticed how blue his eyes were before, and the shone like diamonds. They were the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. He was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, she realised.

Spike looked at Buffy, he had never noticed how gorgeous she was. Her eyes were like emeralds, and they held so much depth. Amazing.

Without really realizing what they were doing the leaned closer together. And next thing they knew they were kissing. A deep, passionate kiss filled with desire. Tongues duelled. They broke apart but only for a second before their lips met again, but this time in a much more gentle kiss. They took their time to just enjoy it. Suddenly they jumped apart.

“Oh god,” Buffy said jumping from the couch, “I’m sorry, that shouldn’t have happened.”

“You’re right. I should go.”

“Buffy nodded “could be a good idea.”

She watched him retreat before doing the same, heading for her basement trying not to think of him upstairs with her mother. She wondered why it had happened. She eventually put it down to the fact that she was grateful that he had made so much effort to give her a good Christmas. And it was Christmas, yes, that’s what it was, it was just the time of year. Yet she found herself thankful that she didn’t hear any sounds coming from their room that night.

Chapter 5: Death Becomes Her

New Years had come and gone weeks ago. Buffy and Spike had tried to avoid each other as much as possible. Buffy was back at school and Drusilla had a new job. You would think things had gotten better then right? No, if anything, things had gotten worse. Drusilla never hit her in front of Spike, but with her new job, Spike was in bed by the time she came home three nights a week. And so Drusilla always came down to the basement and hit Buffy, beating her black and blue. She took all of her frustrations out on her daughter. And there had been a lot said about Christmas and the gifts Buffy had received from Spike, and the gift Buffy had given to him. Buffy was terrified of what would happen if Drusilla ever found out that they kissed. Things were bad enough as it was, if she knew about that Buffy had no idea what would happen. She only knew that it would not be anything good.

It was nearing the end of January already, only a few days left to go of the first month of the brand new year.Buffy's 18th birthday had been and gone. And she had decided to do something that she hadn’t in a long time. She had arranged to meet Willow and Xander at The Bronze, seeing as it was a Friday and she felt she probably needed a night out to try and forget about things for a little while. She knew that tomorrow everything would be back to normal, but for one night she wanted to be a normal girl. With not a care in the world, just hanging with friends, dancing and trying to have some fun. Down in the basement she searched through her wardrobe for something nice to wear that would keep her bruises well hidden. After examining everything in her closet she picked out a pair of tight leather pants. She also produced a tight black top that sat above her midriff where there were no visible bruises. Most were on her back and arms. It was also very low cut, and it had bell sleeves. She pulled out a pair of pointy toed, high- heeled boots. She put them on and then started work on her hair. She curled it slightly and left it hanging down, she also did her make- up. She did her eyes dark and smoky. And she finished with a red gloss. She checked herself over in the mirror. Pleased with the result, and feeling positive for a change, she lifted her leather jacket and headed for the stairs.

She managed to get out of the house without being seen. Her mom was working tonight but she hadn’t left yet. Buffy was glad when she was out walking along by herself. She felt relaxed and almost happy and it had been a long time since she had felt even remotely like that. It was dark and the stars were sparkling above her. She looked at them as she walked. They were beautiful, and they made the world seem peaceful.

Spike spotted Buffy walking along the street. She was dressed in an extremely sexy outfit. He had tried to keep his distance since Christmas. He hadn’t meant to kiss her, it had just been such a nice day and they got along well and it just happened. He pulled over and got out of his car and ran towards her.

Buffy heard footsteps behind her, she sped up a little. She jumped when someone grabbed her arm and spun around, relieved to see Spike standing there

“God, Spike, you scared me.”

He smirked “Sorry pet, I just saw you walking and wanted to say hey.”

“Well, hey,” she returned.

Spike couldn’t think of anything to say except “Where are you going?”

“The Bronze”

“Dressed like that?” he scoffed.

Buffy looked down suddenly feeling self- conscious “What’s wrong with it?”

“Well nothing except you look like a two bit whore.”

It was slap in the face. She couldn’t believe he had actually said that.

Spike could have hit himself. He didn’t know why he said it, it just came out. And for some reason he just couldn’t shut up

“I mean seriously Buffy, you’re just asking for some guy to drag you out of there and screw you in some alley. Or is that what you want?”

Buffy was numb, she didn’t know if she should shout and be angry or cry. She decided it definitely wouldn’t be cry; she wouldn’t do that in front of him.

“You asshole, get away from me.”

Spike didn’t protest, he turned and walked away.

Buffy stood there, thoughts spinning. Why did he say it? That was what her mom always said and now Spike said it too. It had to be true. And if that was true nobody would ever love her, so what was the point. With that thought Buffy took off running in the direction of home.

She ran to the bathroom, pulling everything out of the cabinet. She found what she was looking for. She took it into her old bedroom and left it there before going downstairs.

Buffy left the envelopes on her small cot before going back upstairs; she looked at the bottle on the table. She opened it and poured out the 50 or so aspirin that were in it. She took a breath, trying to steady her nerves. And then she took a pill, and another and another. And when she had taken 25 or so of the pills that lay on the table, she lay down.

Spike pulled into the driveway. He had felt guilty since he had left Buffy earlier. He regretted saying what he said to her. And he felt like he had to apologise. He didn’t know if she would be home but he would go see anyway. When he walked in he went straight to the basement. She wasn’t there. He thought she must have stayed at club and was about to go back upstairs when something on the bed caught his eye. It was 4 envelopes. Addressed to Drusilla, Willow, Xander and one to himself. Now he had a bad feeling. He took his own letter and ripped it open. He felt his mouth go dry as he read it

“Spike,
I know I haven’t known you very long, but in the time I have known you, you seemed like a good guy. Well you did until tonight. I just wanted to thank you for everything. Thanks for such a great Christmas. I hadn’t been that happy in a long time. It meant a lot to me that you cared enough to do that for me. Also, the kiss we shared meant something to me. I just wanted you to know that. But, none of that will matter by the time you get this letter. I have suffered a lot of pain in my life. Things that I have kept to myself because I couldn’t bear people knowing. The pain just got too much. I needed it to stop .I saw a movie once called death becomes her. The movie isn’t relevant just the title. I think death is the right thing for me. It’s the only thing to make it all stop. I just hope you don’t come home early because I don’t want you to stop me from doing this. This world is hell. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it. And I don’t want to anymore. So, I decided to take myself out of it. It’s been good knowing you, thanks for being a good guy. Goodbye.
Love,
Buffy”

Without dropping the letter Spike was bounding up the steps. Taking them two at a time. He ran to the living room. Nothing. He went upstairs and went first to the bathroom. He saw the pill bottles scattered everywhere but no Buffy. He looked in every room until he came to his music room. Buffy’s old bedroom. He threw the door open. He saw Buffy lying on the floor, semi- conscious. He saw the few pills that were left. On pure instinct he dropped the letter and ran to her. Picking her up. He carried her to the bathroom, sitting her in front of the toilet bowl. He had to get those pills out of her system, which meant he had to make her sick. It didn’t seem like she had taken them too long ago or she would have been completely unconscious by now. He should be able to clear her system before they did any real damage. At least he hoped so. But first things first was getting her to throw them up first. And there was only one way he could think of to make that happen. He rushed to the kitchen and got a glass of water. He then added salt to it. He took it upstairs and sat it on the floor. He propped Buffy up and brought the glass to her lips. He made her drink as much as she could and swallow. As soon as she did she began to retch and then she threw up. He held her hair back while she did and patted her back. She was throwing up continuously for about fifteen minutes, until there was nothing left to throw up. She slumped forward and began to cry. Spike stood, lifting her up again and carried her downstairs, laying her on her bed. He sat by her side for over an hour as she sobbed. He stayed there until she began to drift off to sleep. He stood up to walk away, but as he did he heard her whisper softly

“Why?”

Chapter 6: Everybody Hurts

Spike didn’t stay away too long, the thought of her down in the basement by herself killed him. So after going outside for a smoke, he went back down, sitting on the floor by the side of her bed, not looking at her, staring straight ahead. But he had to be there to make sure she was okay. He remained there until he heard Drusilla’s car pull into the drive when she got home from work. He hurried upstairs then. He went to bed and lay still, until she fell asleep. As soon as he was sure she would not wake up, he got back out of bed and went down to the basement again.

She hadn’t moved an inch in the time he had been gone, she still lay in exactly the same position. He sat back in his place on the floor, facing her this time. He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his chin on them. He stayed that way for hours, just watching her sleep, making sure she was breathing, that her heat was beating. Making sure she was still there, that he hadn’t lost her. She looked so peaceful and he wondered what had made her want to do such a thing. Had it been what he had said to her earlier? If so then he was a bastard in his own opinion, he hated the thought that he could have hurt her that much. That was the thought that was running through his mind as he finally fell asleep on the floor by her bed hours later.

When Drusilla woke, Spike was gone. Initially not very concerned she got up and leisurely had a shower and got dressed. Fixing her hair and make- up. Then she wandered downstairs, expecting to find him there. But when he wasn’t she figured he must have gone to his music room in the night and fallen asleep there. So she made herself some tea and toast and watched a morning chat show. Looking at the clock she saw she had an hour before she had to be at work, so she would have to leave soon. But as Spike wasn’t down yet she had time to visit her daughter first.

She walked downstairs, smiling a secret smile. But she stopped abruptly when she could see her daughter’s bed and her own lover lying next to it. She was outraged, what the HELL was he doing down here? Why was he in her daughter’s room and not in Drusilla’s bed? She didn’t know, and she didn’t particularly care, because what she did know is that when she found out, Buffy was going to pay. She turned and stormed back upstairs and out of the house, still fuming.

Buffy stirred from her sleep, she felt terrible. Like someone had hit her in the head with a hammer. And she had a sore stomach, the way you always did when you had thrown up quite a lot. She turned to her side and almost yelped when she saw Spike lying on the floor. Why was he there? It took a moment or so but then everything came back to her.

She had wanted it, and he took it from her. And she remembered her whispered question to him the night before, why? Did he want her to live the rest of her life in misery? Did he not realise that she would only do something like that if she really wanted it to end? Did he not realise that it was for her to decide if she wanted to die? And she had wanted to; she had had enough. She was done, she was going and she was happy. She knew that she could keep an eye on the people she loved, watch over them. She knew that they would be okay and he had taken that away from her and she didn’t know why. And she was angry about that, why couldn’t he just leave her alone. She wanted to scream, she wanted to hit something. But she couldn’t, instead she fell to her knees and cried.

Spike was woken by the sound of her sobs. He sat bolt upright as soon as the sound registered and looked around until he saw her sitting in the middle of the floor with her head in her hands. Instinctively he got up and went to her. He knelt by his side and put an arm around her in a gesture of comfort. She instantly pushed him away, looking at him angrily.

“Leave me alone,” se growled.

“Buffy, pet, what’s the matter?” he asked, genuinely confused.

You took it away from me, I begged you not to in the letter but you still did. Spike I wanted to die. I wanted to be free of the burden of this world, but you were too selfish to let that happen. You wanted to look like hero, but what about what I feel? What about what I want? Apparently that doesn’t matter. You have no idea what I have been through, what I go through almost every day. And you didn’t for one second think about the fact that maybe, just maybe, I WAS BETTER OFF DEAD!” she shouted, as tears spilled from her eyes.

Spike looked at her, shell- shocked. He didn’t know what to do. But he had to tell her something. He moved closer to her again, crouching in front of her, only about a foot between them. He didn’t touch her, just started talking quietly

“I wasn’t playing hero, I was saving the life of someone I care about. Someone who I think has an amazing future ahead of them. Maybe you’re right, I didn’t think of the reasons why maybe you were doing it, but frankly I didn’t care what reasons there were. All I wanted was to make sure you lived. That you would still be here when I woke up this morning.”

Buffy looked into his eyes, “you don’t know why, you don’t know how bad it hurts,” she whispered

“Tell me,” he said softly

“I can’t,” she looked at him sadly “Spike I’m so tired.”

He lifted her up and carried her back to bed, he knew she meant emotionally tired, tired of whatever it was that made her want to do this in the first place but that didn’t matter. He sat her down and ran upstairs. When he came back he was carrying his acoustic guitar. She looked at him

“This is the best way I can think of, to let you know I’m here and to help you through,” he told her and began to strum the guitar and sing to her.

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

He sang the words softy, putting more feeling into them than he ever had before. Because never before had the words been so accurate in his own life. He needed to convey to her that she wasn’t alone.

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

Buffy listened to him sing the words that rang so true and her tears continued to flow steadily. The words cut her like a knife, they sounded so true and so real in her mind, but did he know that?

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

Spike put the guitar down and started towards her.

Buffy looked up at him.

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Spike came to a stop in front of her and crouched down, taking her hands in his as he looked into her eyes and sang directly to her. Trying to make her see how deep his feelings for her ran.

Buffy felt her heart skip a beat as he clasped her hands; his voice was full of something that she couldn’t determine. But his eyes held nothing but truth, and they held warmth and care.

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

Spike finished the song and looked at her, they sat still, completely silent staring into each other’s eyes. Spike knew it was going to happen, so did Buffy. He knew he should do something to stop it, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. In an instant his lips were on hers. They kissed tenderly, but it was still full of passion. She lay back on the bed.

Chapter 7: Bedtime Stories

Buffy sighed contentedly as she rolled over in bed snuggling into Spike. He held her tightly, pulling her lose, his nose buried in her hair. It felt good lying there beside her, he felt content more so than he had in a long time.

Buffy felt safe, wrapped in his embrace she felt like no harm could come to her. She felt as if as long as he was holding her then everything would be alright, she hadn’t felt that way ever before. She had always though thought it would just get worse and worse until she ended up dead. But lying in his arms, everything seemed more optimistic.

She felt Spike place a small kiss on top of her head; she smiled against his bare chest before looking up at him,

“Hey you,” she said softly

“Hi,” he replied in a voice barely above a whisper. He leaned down to place a soft kiss on her lips; he pulled away before it could become anything more. They looked at each other for a moment, Spike leaned on his elbow, head down so that he could look straight into her eyes, and he couldn’t remember ever seeing a more beautiful sight. There was a childish innocence mixed in with womanly strength in her and it enchanted him.

As they lay there it occurred to him that he actually knew very little about Buffy, and she knew probably less about him. Deciding they had plenty of time he thought they should remedy that.

“Let’s play a game pet,” he suggested.

She looked up at him, “What kind of game?”

“Well, I ask you a question and you have to answer, then u do the same with me. The question can be anything.”

“And what do I get for answering a question?” she asked flirtatiously.

“Well, that would be one of these,” he told her as he captured her lips again.

Drusilla sat at the bar, a glass of Vodka in her hand. It was her 6th glass so far today. She had been planning how badly she would beat Buffy since she left that moment; she had decided that her daughter needed to be taught a lesson. After all, she was trying to steal her boyfriend or at least that was Drusilla’s excuse. Not that she felt she really needed one, she just thought it was better defence to have one in case Buffy ever told anyone.

She planned to go to the basement later when she knew Spike would ether be in bed or out. She would gladly scratch Buffy’s eyes out if it weren’t for the fact that someone would notice. But her daughter would feel a lot of pain. That much she was sure of, in fact, it would be the worst beating of Buffy’s life. And what Drusilla loved most about it was the fact that Buffy would let it happen and nobody would ever be any the wiser.

“Ok, I’ll start,” Spike said “who is your best friend? Because I the time I’ve been here I’ve never seen one of your friends.”

Buffy sighed before answering “Willow, Willow Rosenberg is my best friend. She is the sweetest girl in the world, she’s really smart and pretty even though she doesn’t realise it. And she’s always there for me.”

Spike smiled, “She sounds nice.”

“She is,” Buffy smiled too “ok, my turn. What age are you? Because I don’t know.”

“I’m 27, I was born August 9th in London.”

“That makes you like 10years older than me. Cool.” She giggled slightly, while Spike thought about it, he was a lot older than her. But as he looked at her, he didn’t care.

“Ok, my turn again, who was your first?”

“Um,” she hesitated “his name was Lucas, we were 15. Don’t ask me why I did it because looking back now I don’t even know. I think I just wanted to feel loved. “

“You think your mum doesn’t love you?” Spike asked surprised.

“I don’t know, you may have noticed that mom and I, well we aren’t exactly close.” Buffy was trying to think of how she could word her answer so that she wouldn’t give anything away, she had been lucky today that he hadn’t seen any bruises. Mostly because her mom hadn’t been around enough the last two weeks to hit her, so all her bruises were gone, she knew though that it wouldn’t stay that way. “So, we don’t really get on, she had me when she was young and I think she feels like she didn’t have any life having to look after me. She’s always been kind of detached.”

Spike could hear the sadness that tainted her sweet voice, he had to admit that Drusilla had never seemed particularly affectionate with Buffy. But she had been nice enough, always gave her a hug in the morning and she was nice enough and spoke to Buffy. However, he had noticed that it never seemed really comfortable. But he had just put it down to the awkward stage that mother’s and daughter’s always seemed to go through when the daughter was a teenager. It had never occurred to him that maybe they had never been close.

“Honestly, I hadn’t,” he admitted “I noticed that you didn’t seem to be the closest of families but I put that down to an awkward teen stage. I’m sorry you guys aren’t close.”

“Don’t be. We never have been. And you know what they say,”

He looked at her, waiting for her to tell him

“You don’t miss what you’ve never had.” She finished, smiling sadly.

He leaned down and kissed her on pure impulse, he could see it affected her more than she admitted.

“Ok, my question,” Buffy chirped pulling away from the kiss “who was your first?”

“Are you going to ask all the same questions I do?” he asked

“Depends on the question,” she said with a naughty glint in her eye.

“Fine,” Spike grumbled making Buffy laugh.

She moved to lean on her elbow looking at him, “alright then, answer. I’m waiting.”

“I was 16 and her name was Marissa, she was in my class at school in London. We weren’t exactly friends, but we were both geeks. Anyway, we were hanging around trying to prove we were cool and we ended up getting drunk and it just happened. It only happened the once.”

Buffy bit her lip trying not to laugh but it didn’t work, she snorted as she broke out into a fit of laughter. Spike glowered at her but she only laughed harder, “I’m sorry, but I just have this mental image of you as a geek, and oh god,”

“ ’S’not funny,” he pouted turning away from her.

Buffy tried to sober up and managed to cool her laughter down to a few giggles, then she moved to lean over him, seeing he was still pouting “aww I’m sorry,” she cooed “I’m sure you were a cute geek.”

“Geeks aren’t cute,” he said

“Some are, and I’m sure you were one of them,” still pouting Spike turned back to face her.

“Really?”

“Really,” she assured him, “I mean there are some very good looking geeks out there, and they are so sweet,” she dragged her finger down the centre of his chest “and look at how sexy you turned out, so sweet and kind and handsome,”

Spike growled and flipped her onto her back, hovering above her “You’re gorgeous,” he told her

“You too,” she said. And he leaned down to kiss her again.

Chapter 8: The Test

It had been a little over a month since Buffy and Spike had slept together and Buffy was glad that Drusilla was still none the wiser. She had been so happy that day, she and Spike had spent all day in bed, talking and making love. It had been the best day of her life and she had actually felt herself feeling glad that Spike had saved her life.

It had turned sour later though, after Spike had gone when Drusilla got home. About an hour or so later, Drusilla had come down to the basement and beat here badly. Again all the bruises were mostly on her arms and legs. A few on her back, but all in places where they could be hidden, after all, Drusilla couldn’t exactly have Spike seeing the marks. And Buffy didn’t want him to either; she wanted it all to go away. Even though that had brought her down some, she still felt happier in a long time. Being with Spike had felt so good and right and special. And nothing could take that feeling away from her.

It hurt to watch him go back to her mom, of course it did, but knowing that he cared for her and wanted her took the edge off the hurt. They hadn’t slept together since. But they had shared many kisses. In fact, any time they could get together for a make out session was grabbed. And there had been many. And Buffy didn’t feel a bit guilty; she didn’t see why she should feel guilty about falling for someone. Fine, he was her mom’s boyfriend, but her mom treated her like shit, so she didn’t feel guilty. She wasn’t so sure about Spike though.

She laid her head on her desk, she was sitting through double English but she really didn’t want to be there. She felt really yucky. She had been sick for the past week or so, it was constant. She felt like her stomach was being turned inside out, she had never felt so bad in her life.

Willow watched as Buffy’s head hit the desk, she was worried. She had never seen Buffy look so unwell in all the time she had known her. Even since all the crap with Drusilla had started, even though Buffy’s appearance had gone downhill a little mostly because she had to wear clothes that would hide the bruises, even since then Buffy hadn’t looked this bad. There were days when she didn’t look well because of the stress of it and whatnot but she had never looked ill. But she did today.

Buffy looked up from her desk, she felt very faint. Sitting in the class she felt like she would pass out. She sat for a few moments, her stomach was turning, she kept sitting trying to wish the sickness away but it wasn’t working. She raised her hand,

“Yes Buffy,” the teacher acknowledged her

“May I be excused?” she asked weakly.

The teacher seeing how unwell she looked nodded that it was ok and before anything further could be said, Buffy rose from her seat and ran from the class with her hand covering her mouth.

Willow watched her run out and only became more worried. She needed to know what was going on.

“Excuse me, may I go and check on Buffy?” Willow requested

The teacher thought for a moment before saying, “well she didn’t look very good so yes, I suppose that would be a good idea. On you go.”

Willow gave the teacher a small smile of thanks as she gathered both her things and Buffy’s and left the class, she had a feeling they wouldn’t be back that period.

Buffy was leaning over the toilet throwing up when she heard the bathroom door creak open. She groaned inwardly hoping that whoever it was would leave quickly. She finished throwing up and leaned back against the stall door, and held her breath waiting for whoever was there to leave. And then she heard her name

“Buffy, I know you’re in here so answer me,” Willow ordered.

Buffy sighed, “I’m ok Wills,” she said through the door.

“You don’t sound ok, Buff, you sound pretty not ok. Buffy you are never sick. Even with how bad things have been for you lately I still have never seen you sick. So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

Buffy stood up, she walked out of the stall Andover to Willow, she took one look at Willow and burst into tears,

“Oh god, Willow I don’t know what to do.”

Buffy sat on the edge of the bath, thankful that nobody was home. As soon as Buffy had told Willow the whole story, Buffy had been ushered out of school and home, just a quick pit stop being made on the way. And now she sat waiting, and while she did she thought back to that afternoon, she looked at the timer she had a few minutes to wait.

* Spike kissed her softly, kissing his way down her body as she arched into his touch. She moaned at the sensations he was causing. She wasn’t a virgin but she had never felt this way before. He placed himself at her entrance and pushed gently into her, causing both of them to moan. He took his time, both of them savouring every move and every sensation. She met his every thrust, moaning at the feel of him inside of her. It felt right, they moved at a steady pace until they came together moaning each other’s name. *

Buffy was startled as the timer went off. This was it, now was the time to find out just what the consequences of the best day of her life had been. She took a steadying breath as she picked up the small wand, for a moment she couldn’t bring herself to look at it. But she knew that she had to, so gathering up all her courage she looked down. And again she cried.

She left the bathroom and went down to the basement where Willow was waiting, she handed over the test and sunk to her knees, overcome with tears once again.

Willow looked at the two thin blue lines that said Buffy was pregnant; she kneeled down beside her best friend and put an arm around her.

“Buffy, I’m sure it’ll work out. I am sure that when you tell Spike-“

“Spike,” Buffy cut in “Oh god, Wills how am I going to tell him. He will freak out.”

“Buffy he cares about you. I am sure that he will stand by you.”

Buffy smiled, “yeah I hope so. I love him so much Willow.”

“Well then you have to talk to him.”

“Yeah, mom is working tonight because it’s Friday so I’ll tell him then. Thanks Wills,” Buffy said with a watery smile.

“No problem, Buff.”

Buffy prepared all day for how she was going to break the news to Spike. She had decided to be straight and to the point. To simply get it over with, it was the best way she knew. She wouldn’t be able to tell him if she put it off. So, about 7 o’clock after she heard her mom leave for work she headed upstairs. The same way she had every Friday since that day. Spike was waiting for her in the living room. For some reason he looked just as nervous as she did.

When she went into the living room he greeted her with a kiss, a soft kiss that felt perfect to Buffy. She sat down on the couch and waited for him to sit beside her. He did so and soon they were caught up in a heavy make- out session. Spike was unbuttoning Buffy’s blouse but alarm bells went off in her head and she pulled away. Not only because of the bruises he would see but also because she knew that if she started something now then she would never tell him.

He looked at her curiously.

“We need to talk,” she told him.

“Yeah we do, I was just hoping that we could wait until later.”

“No, we should talk now, Spike I love you,” she said softly.

“I love you too, but there’s something I need to say.”

Buffy felt anxious, she didn’t know if she could wait to tell him it was really starting to make her nervous. But she waited for him to say what he wanted first.

“I don’t think we should do this anymore.”

Spike took in Buffy’s shocked and hurt look. He hated seeing it, but the situation had been eating him up inside. Having to sneak around, he hated. And he cared about Drusilla, he really did. And even though Buffy was 18 and they weren’t doing anything legally wrong he still felt like they shouldn’t be doing what they were doing. She was still so young after all.

“Luv, I’m sorry. I’m not trying to hurt you I really do love you. But I care about your mother too. Buffy you are still so young, too young for this. And I just can’t hurt your mother. She is a good person and she means a lot to me. As much as I love you, I don’t want her to end up hurt. And there is almost ten years between us in age, that is a lot. And it just shouldn’t be happening. I’m sorry.”

Buffy held her tears back; she couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She had been worried about what his reaction to her news would be but she had slowly been coming around to the idea. She could see them as a family, she could see some real happiness in her future and then he had snatched it away. But she wouldn’t cry, she would never let him see her cry, not again. She had opened up to him, leaned on him and he had thrown all that back at her.

“I have to go,” she said standing up.

“Buffy, luv,” he said standing up

“No, Spike,” she said through gritted teeth, “you made your decision and that’s fine. It’s your choice, but I have to go away, and just be away.”

She left the room and then the house, Spike staring after her.

“I love you, pet.”

Chapter 9:Feelings and Actions

Willow was startled when she heard the loud knocking at the front door. She had been reading her favourite book completely oblivious to everything. Her parents had gone out for the evening so she was home alone and not expecting any company. She carefully turned down the corner of the page she was reading before setting the book aside and going to answer the door. She scurried downstairs and opened the door and was faced with a cold and crying Buffy. Without uttering a word she ushered her friend inside and up to her room. She sat in silence for a little while, letting Buffy cry. Willow didn’t know what had happened, but she could easily guess that it must have something to do with Spike. And she couldn’t help thinking that if Spike was responsible for the state Buffy was in then she hoped he felt guilty, and she hoped the guilt would eat him up inside. She wished pain on him. Which was unusual for Willow, she rarely wished anything bad on anyone.

Finally about fifteen minutes later Buffy’s sobs began to die down until they eventually ceased completely. She looked at Willow through puffy, red eyes and traces of her black mascara trailing down her cheeks. She smiled weakly

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Willow went to her bedside drawer and took out a small travel pack of tissues. Se took one out and handed it to Buffy “here,” she offered, “You might wanna wipe you eyes.”

Buffy took it gratefully, frowning when she saw it stained with mascara
“Yuck, I must look disgusting,” she complained.

This caused Willow to sigh slightly, trust Buffy to be crying and still be concerned by her appearance.

“You look fine, now tell me what happened,” Willow said.

“Spike broke up with me,” Buffy told her causing a fresh wave of tears “we were kissing on the couch and I think we would have had sex but then I pulled away and-“

“He broke up with you because you wouldn’t sleep with him?” Willow shouted in outrage. “Oh I swear, that man needs his ass kicked. How could he do that?”

Buffy suddenly registered what Willow was saying and rushed to correct her

“No, Wills, no. That’s not why he broke up with me.”

Willow looked at her and sighed, “well good. I would have hated to have to hurt him.”

Buffy gave her friend a small smile, “Thanks, Wills. But no, that’s not the reason.”

“Then why?”

Buffy tried to explain it in the way that would hurt the least. “He said he loved me, but he cared about my mom too. And he couldn’t hurt her. He said that mom and i (may not have the best relationship but she loves me and is a good person. And he said that he just couldn’t hurt her.” She managed to stop the tears from falling. It was hard but she knew that if she started again then she wouldn’t stop. “So, I didn’t tell him about the baby. I’m alone.”

“What are you going to do?” Willow felt like she had to ask.

“I don’t know. Right now, I’m just trying to keep from dying.”

“Oh, Buffy,” Willow moved to hug her friend

“I can’t breath Will, I feel like I can’t breathe.”

Buffy leaned over Willow’s lap. Willow wrapping her arms around her friend, and once again Buffy let the tears overtake her.

Spike sat another beer bottle down on the carpet. He was worried, Buffy had been gone for hours and he hadn’t heard a word from her. He had no idea where she could be, usually she would call to say she wasn’t going to be home but now it was going on midnight and not a word. No Buffy either. Spike could have hit himself for just letting her run off, and he was even angrier that he had been the reason.

He hadn’t meant to hurt her, he really hadn’t. He had rapidly fallen in love with her and wanted nothing more than to be with her but she was so young and he was supposed to be with her mother. And Drusilla cared about him, and he cared about her too. She was loving and kind and he couldn’t bear the thought of breaking her heart. And he just knew that to leave her because he wanted to be with her daughter would be the cruellest way possible to do just that. And no matter how much he loved Buffy, he cared too much about Drusilla to do that, she had become a friend more than anything (well a friend that he had sex with) since everything started with Buffy and he just couldn’t do it.

But at the same time, he wondered if he should have kept things going with Buffy anyway. He knew that it wasn’t fair to her but he wanted her so much, every time he was around her it was like she consumed him. He got lost in her, he felt like he would drown in her. She surrounded him, and he loved that feeling more than anything he had ever felt; but he was brought back to his senses, he had to end it, it was the best for both of them. He looked up expectantly when he heard the front door click open, but instead of Buffy, Drusilla came through the living room door. Spike tried to put on a cheerful face

“Hey, luv, how was work?”

“Very good, the people were so irritating but at least I’m getting paid.” She sat down on the edge of the couch, leaning over to kiss Spike.

Pulling back, Spike placed a kiss on her forehead, “That’s good.”

Drusilla leaned over again, pulling him into another kiss, when he pulled away again she looked at him seductively

“I missed you,”

“Missed you too, baby,” he murmured

“Why don’t you show me how much,” she suggested standing up, taking his hand. He stood and kissed her again, this time it became more passionate. She parted from him, taking his hand and turning she led him up top their room. Spike closed the door behind them, and proceeded to ‘make love’ to her.

Chapter 10: Decisions, Decisions.

Buffy woke the next morning curled in a ball on Willow’s bed. She looked down and saw a sleeping bag laid out on the floor, but Willow wasn’t there. Buffy stood up and stretched, wondering when she had fallen asleep and why she was still at Willow’s. After waiting a few minutes to see if Willow would come back Buffy decided to go downstairs and find her. She trudged downstairs and looked into the kitchen where she saw Willow standing by a pan of pancakes.

“Hey Buffy, glad you’re up. Want some breakfast?” Willow asked.

Buffy smiled; “Sure,” she sat down at the breakfast bar where Willow had set a plate down for her.

“What time is it?” she asked.

“Noon,” Willow answered, “you were upset and tired, I figured you needed the sleep.”

“Thanks Wills, but you didn’t have to sleep on the floor. You should have woken me and told me to move.”

“I didn’t mind,” Willow told her, “now eat. You need the energy.”

Buffy started eating, taking just small bites to be safe. The two girls sat in silence while they ate. Buffy finished every bite on her plate. She put the dish in the dishwasher,

“Thanks Willow, that was-“ she stopped talking when she felt that tell- tale turning of her stomach. She mumbled an “oh god” before rushing for the stairs. She hurried to the bathroom, just making it on time. Willow ran upstairs behind her and got to the door just as Buffy threw her breakfast back up. When she was done Buffy turned sheepishly to Willow

“I’m sorry, breakfast was great I swear.”

Willow couldn’t help but laugh, “Don’t worry Buffy. I’m not going to yell just because you were sick after eating my cooking. I never yell at all, or hadn’t you noticed?”

“Thanks,” Buffy got up and gave Willow a hug “you’re the best Wills, I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too, and Buffy I’ll help you out, you know. Whatever you decide to do about the baby, I’ll be there for you.”

“I know, thanks. But Willow, I do need to decide what I’m going to do, will you help?” she asked.

“Of course I will,” Willow nodded, putting an arm around her best friend.

Spike went to the top of the basement stairs and looked down. No Buffy. He didn’t have any idea where she was. He had come down hoping that maybe she had come home after he had gone to bed but apparently not. And he was worried that perhaps she had wandered the streets all night. What if something had happened to her? What if she had done something to herself? She had tried once before and there was no doubt in Spike’s mind that she would do it again. And that made his mind up; he grabbed his duster and car keys and was out the door in less than a minute.

Buffy and Willow had spent the last 2 and a half hours discussing her options. They had gone on the internet and looked up information on abortion, adoption, teen pregnancy and being a single parent in your teens. They had printed off around a hundred pages and were now going through it together.

Buffy had already discarded the idea of abortion, saying that she could never kill her child. Even if she was only a few weeks pregnant, in Buffy’s eyes it was still a living being: a human life growing inside of her, and that meant something. She just thought that if she had an abortion she would feel like she was committing a murder and she could never live with herself if she did it.

So she was left with two options: adoption or bringing the baby up herself.

“It says here Buffy that there are a few different ways to go about having your baby adopted. If you do it privately, through an agency you can even choose the family that will adopt it. If you decided to do it then you would know exactly whom your baby was going to. It would be someone that you were sure was going to look after your baby; someone nice and caring that would give your baby everything it could ever need or want.”

Buffy nodded “that sounds pretty cool.”

“Yeah but that could be difficult to do because you would probably have certain fees and stuff to pay. But, there is also state adoption. With that you don’t really have any say. You don’t know who adopts the baby or any of that stuff.”

“I don’t know if I like that. Even the first one; I mean just because I’m 18 and single doesn’t mean that I can’t love my baby. My biggest fear is that I will end up like my mom is with me and treat a child badly. But who’s to say that I would be a bad mom or that somebody else could love this baby more or better than I could just because they’re married or have more money or whatever? The baby might go to a family with more money but that doesn’t necessarily mean better,” Buffy said obviously upset.

“Of course not Buffy. I’m sure you would be an amazing mother. But we’re just looking at your options. You don’t have to decide right now. I just wanted to tell you that you can keep the baby or that if you can find a way to do so then you can have a say if you decide to go with adoption,” Willow said trying to calm her down.

“No you’re right,” Buffy said, “I want to do that.”

Spike got home at about 5:30pm; he had been out looking for Buffy for over five hours. He had searched every street and store in Sunnydale to no avail. He hadn’t seen her anywhere and none of the friends she had were home. So that wasn’t any help at all. She was nowhere to be found.

He sat his duster on the edge of the couch and went to the kitchen to get a beer and calm him a bit. When he was in there he heard a noise coming from the basement. He went over and opened the door that led down there; he looked down and saw Buffy, lying on the bed reading a magazine humming a tune. His heart leapt into his throat when he saw her and he rushed down the steps

“Where the bloody hell have you been?” he demanded when he reached the bottom.

She looked up at him and shrugged “I slept at Willow’s.”

“You should have called,” he told her.

“Why? Were you worried Spike? Did you think I was gonna off myself?” seeing the look on his face she laughed, “Don’t worry Spike, I won’t do anything stupid.”

“I’m sorry Buffy, but just because you were upset-“

“Upset,” she yelled, “No, I was heartbroken. But Spike you broke up with me, so you have no right to know where I was or what I was doing. And you don’t have the right to worry. I’m not you’re concern anymore,” she flipped onto her side looking away from him.

“I meant what I said last night,”

“What that you loved me?” she asked standing up, “well you still dumped me so that’s your problem. I don’t have to tell you ever again where I was, who I was with or what I was doing with them.”

“So, were you even with Willow? Sure you weren’t out spreading your legs for whatever guys came along?” he asked angrily.
Buffy’s eyes filled with tears, “you asshole,” she said in what was only a whisper. He saw the look on her face and immediately regretted his words.

“Buffy, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that. I love you I do.”

“Are you going to break up with mom then?” she asked him.

“No,” he answered quietly.

“Then it doesn’t matter. I think you should go. I made my decision and you made yours.”

He nodded resigned; he stood up and looked down at her “I do love you Buffy.”

“Yeah, me too.” She watched him walk back upstairs barely containing her tears.

Chapter 11: Revelations

The next two weeks had passed with Buffy once again doing her best to avoid Spike. It just hurt her too much to see him every day, she kept thinking about the life inside of her, the fact that Spike had helped create it and it made the pain so much worse. She wanted him to be a part of this, but for him to know when he didn’t want to be with her could only make the situation harder. At least if she dealt with it alone she knew she wouldn’t be hurt. The moment she had decided in Willow’s that day that she was going to raise her child, she had determined that she may not have a lot of money ands material things to give her child, but she would give it all the love she could. But, she wouldn’t let herself go through the pain of having her and her child rejected in favour of her mother. Okay, so she didn’t know that Spike would make that choice if he knew, but he had made that choice now. And if she told him, she didn’t want him to decide to be with her simply because she was pregnant and he felt guilty. No, she would manage alone.

Buffy had also been a voiding Drusilla; she stayed over at Willow’s as often as she could. So there had been no real beatings in a while, maybe a slap here and there. Most of the time now it was insults and cutting words. Buffy was just glad that was all, the thought of Dusilla beating her and possibly hurting the baby terrified Buffy, she didn’t even like to think of that ever happening. But thus far she had been lucky. She just hoped her luck would hold up. But she never could be sure where her mother was concerned; she was very unpredictable in that manner. So Buffy kept her fingers crossed and hoped for the best.

Drusilla was still biding her time since her decision to get Buffy back at Christmas. She was trying to find out as much as possible about what was going on, or at least what she suspected to be going on. But she did make a point of rubbing her relationship with Spike in her daughter’s face whenever she could. Although she wasn’t around much anymore, but when she was she could see the jealousy written in her face. And she loved seeing it.

Buffy and Willow sat at their usual table in the cafeteria whispering between themselves about Buffy’s pregnancy. Xander looked on silently, he still had no idea what was going on, only that they had a secret that ha had been left out off. Buffy had contemplated telling him, but at the moment she felt like the fewer people who knew the better. So, for now she wanted to keep it just between her and Willow. Just for a while, until she was ready for other people to know.

Spike didn’t know what to do, he hardly saw Buffy anymore and he knew maybe that was for the best, but when he did see her he wanted her more than he’d ever wanted anyone in his life. He was trying with Drusilla, and he had noticed her becoming increasingly affectionate with him and he did try. But it was hard, being with her and knowing that all he wanted to do was go and be with Buffy. He tortured himself with his decision every day, but he had decided he couldn’t hurt Drusilla; she needed him. He just hated himself for hurting Buffy. And as he walked, that was the thought that plagued his mind.

“So, have you thought about going to a doctor yet?” Willow asked as she walked Buffy home later that afternoon.

“No, I know I have to go I guess I just want to put it off as long as possible.”

“It’ll be okay Buffy, for starters you’re 18, and the doctor can’t tell your mom anything. It’s completely confidential,” Willow was doing here best to reassure her friend. She knew how wary Buffy was about anybody knowing she was pregnant just yet. But she also thought it was the best thing for Buffy to go to the doctor. The sooner the better, in Willow’s mind it was better to get it over with.

“Yeah I know it’s just weird. It’s like; when I go to the doctor it’s official. I mean I know I’m pregnant and I know I want to keep it, it’s just that at the moment it’s still like a dream. When it’s confirmed I have to wake up and face all kinds of realities.”

Willow stopped for a minute to pull Buffy into a hug,

“You know I’ll be there for you, I’m your best friend and if you need me I’m right here,” Willow reminded her as they started walking again at a slow pace.

“Thanks Wills. And I promise, I’ll make that appointment soon.”

“Ok,” Willow smiled.

They walked the rest of the way in friendly silence.

Buffy lay on the bed reading for school, thankfully her mom hadn’t been home when she got in so she had managed to get downstairs easily. Which is where she had been for the past hour. She felt ill, her sickness wasn’t getting any better, and she didn’t bother calling it morning sickness because that wasn’t the only time she got it. She was trying to do homework to try and take her mind off how bad she felt. Unfortunately it wasn’t working, she could tell the contents wanted to make an appearance so she stood up from the bed and ran for the upstairs bathroom.

Drusilla walked in the door as Buffy reached the top of the stairs. She heard Buffy start to throw up, it wasn’t the first time, and she had heard her several times over the last few weeks. She had also heard Buffy and Spike a couple of weeks ago, talking in the basement. She had heard the words Spike had spoken to her, telling her that he loved her and her replying in kind. But she had also heard him tell her that he wouldn’t be with her. And that had only served to make Drusilla even smugger. But it didn’t take a genius to figure out what was wrong with Buffy, and that would be all the proof she needed, an admission of guilt and she could get her own back.

She waited at the bottom of the steps until Buffy came out of the bathroom, she saw her daughter visibly flinch upon seeing her. She gave her a sickly sweet smile and motioned for her to come down stairs, the minute she reached the bottom the smile disappeared and Drusilla grabbed her wrist, her nails digging into the flesh.

Buffy’s eyes widened as her mother’s grip tightened, she kept thinking over and over about what her mother was going to do, but she knew she had to stay alert so she could defend herself and her child if she had to.

“You little slut, what’s wrong with you?”

“N- nothing,” Buffy stammered.

“Liar,” Drusilla screeched, lashing out and slapping her across the face.

“I’m not lying I swear.”

“Yes you are you little bitch,” Drusilla grabbed her by the hair, “you think I don’t know what you’ve been up to? Throwing up all the time, only means one thing when it comes to a whore like you,” Drusilla tugged herd at her hair and brought Buffy to her knees.

“Mom, please stop,” Buffy begged.

“Then tell me, admit tell me you are,” Drusilla commanded

“Ok, ok, I am,” Buffy knew what she meant, “I’m pregnant, now please let me go.”

Drusilla pulled her back up by the hair and punched her in the face, “You whore, who’s the father?”

“I don’t know,” Buffy lied.

Another punch, “Don’t you tell me lies, who?”

Spike heard yelling as he walked up the garden path, he ran up to the door but thought it would be better to enter unnoticed, so he went round to the back door and snuck in. He stood in the doorway and listened, horrified at the sight of Drusilla attacking Buffy, he wondered what she was yelling about and the he heard Buffy say those two words. He was stunned, she had never told him, and as much as he thought he should be hurt by that he was taken over by fear of what Drusilla would do. And the he heard the question,

“Who’s the father?” he watched as Buffy denied knowledge, but he knew. And so when Drusilla demanded once more to be told he walked out of the kitchen, grabbed her wrist pulling her off of Buffy and looking her square in the eye as he answered,

“I am.”

Chapter 12: Once Upon A Lifetime

“I am.”

As the words registered in Buffy’s mind she looked up through frightened eyes and saw Spike standing there, having pulled Drusilla away from her. Buffy let out a breath of relief. She watched as Spike let go of Drusilla’s wrist and waited for a reaction, which he got. She leapt at him, scratching at his face, but he was stronger and managed to get hold of her wrists again and hold her away from himself.

“Stop it Dru,” he warned her.

“Why stop me, my Spike? You don’t care what happens to her, after all you chose me,” she reminded him.

“Shut up Dru, you don’t know anything,” he growled

“Oh, but I heard you. I heard you choose me,” she laughed.

“Yeah, well I made a mistake,” he shoved her away, walked over to Buffy and helped her up. He took her by the hand and led her out of the house, leaving the door wide open as he went. He bundled Buffy into his car ignoring Drusilla’s screams and insults as he got in the other side and drove away.

Buffy started blankly out of the window as Spike drove; it wasn’t a long drive, maybe 15 minutes but it seemed to last an eternity. She didn’t look at Spike, she couldn’t. She did think about his saving her though, she would be forever grateful, because she knew that Drusilla was angry enough to hurt her and the baby, seriously. Buffy had feared for her child’s life. She had seen the most evil look in her mother’s eyes.

The words she had spoken however didn’t hurt as much as they used to. She had grown used to them and so she had learned that reaction was what her mom wanted. And reaction always made things worse, and in this case she couldn’t afford to let that happen. So she had told her mother what she wanted to hear, and prayed it would be enough. And she had only realised that it wasn’t when Spike stepped in.

She had wanted to avoid him the last few weeks, but she had never been so happy to see him before as she was then. If he hadn’t shown up she dreaded to think what would have happened. But he had shown up and he had saved her, in some way. Although some things were still unclear in her mind, things that hadn’t completely registered with her. But she had no more time to think about them for now as the car pulled over.

The car pulled up in front of an apartment complex, it wasn’t a very big one but it was nice. Buffy wondered where they were exactly but she didn’t ask. Spike came around to her side and opened the door; he helped her out of the car and put an arm around her as he led her inside.

He wasn’t taking her very far but she was still wobbly on her feet so he decided to take the elevator. He stood with her, keeping a tight grip as they got inside and he hit the button for the third floor. A moment later the doors opened again and Spike led her out and down the hall. He stopped at the door of one of the apartments and removed a key from his pocket. He unlocked the door and held it open, allowing Buffy to enter. He followed behind her and saw Buffy freeze at the sight of a girl in the apartment. He took her hand showing her to a seat, he knelt in front of her and held her hands in his,

“Buffy, it’s ok. This is my friend’s apartment but he’s out of town for a while. That’s his sister, Ali,” he said, motioning to the girl behind him. Buffy was mute but nodded in understanding. “Don’t worry, she’s just checking in on the place. You stay here, I’m gonna speak to her and then me and you can have a chat.”

Without waiting for an answer he got up and led Ali away, he took her to the small kitchen area and began talking in a hushed tone

“Look, she’s had a rough day. In fact a rough time for a while and I’m partly to blame for that. So, we’re gonna need a place to crash for a while. We’ll look after the place I promise, but she can’t go home.”

“Why not?” the girl asked.

“I can’t tell you, but Ali, trust me she just can’t.”

“Ok,” Ali agreed, “My brother wouldn’t mind anyway, that is why he gave you a key after all. I’ll just come by during the day to check on things,” she said.

“Thanks.”

“But, I can see you two need to be left alone. So I’ll go, speak to you soon Spike,” she said.

“Thanks pet,” Spike leaned down to give Ali a kiss on the cheek before going back to Buffy and waiting for her to leave.

When she was gone Spike sat beside Buffy and pulled her into a hug. Simply holding her as close as he could, not wanting to let her go. He wondered why he had ever chosen Drusilla in the first place, sure he hadn’t wanted to hurt her, but he hadn’t loved her. And now he didn’t even like her. He was seething with anger that she would dare hurt Buffy, her own daughter. And the woman he loved. After a few minutes her finally let her go and she sat up, when he hugged her she had finally come out of the state of shock she had been in and she sat back up. She turned to face him in her seat, opening her mouth to say something, but Spike beat her

“Is it true?”

“Yes,” she whispered, knowing the question.

“And?” he prompted.

“You were right, it’s yours.”

“How can I be sure?” he didn’t mean to sound cruel, but he was hurt that she had kept it from him. He knew she wasn’t lying though. He had known from the moment he heard her tell Drusilla that it was his child.

Buffy knew too that he didn’t mean to be vicious, simply that he wanted her to reassure him and she had no problem with that, “because I love you. I haven’t been with anyone else since you because I don’t want anyone else. It can only be you.”

He nodded, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was angry and upset,” she admitted, “I felt like I had to do this alone. You chose mom and so I felt like I had to get through it by myself. At least for the time being,” she said softly.

“Ok, I can get that. What are you going to do?”

“I’m keeping it,” she answered immediately.

His face broke into a wide smile, “I was hoping you would say that.”

Buffy laughed as he wrapped his arms around her again, speaking to her “I’m so sorry Buffy, I never should have chosen her. It was you I loved, only you. I want you, forever. Forgive me?” He pulled back without breaking contact and looked into her eyes.

Buffy bit her lip; she wasn’t sure what to do. But deep down she knew what she wanted. He had hurt her but that didn’t stop her from loving him. And she wanted him to be around, she wanted to be a family, so she nodded as she answered, “Yes, I forgive you,” she paused, “but it won’t just jump back to being happy go lucky. You did hurt me Spike and I have to learn to get passed that.”

“I know, but luv, I really am sorry. I love you,”

“I love you too,” she replied.

Spike kissed her, a soft kiss, a kiss meant to express his deep feeling of love for her. Meant to show that he would cherish and adore and be there for her, for as long as she would let him. When they broke apart Spike decided he should get on with the inevitable,

“You have to tell me the full story Buffy.”

Buffy took a deep breath and decided to start from the beginning, “She hasn’t always hit me. She was never the caring mom she made out she was when you were around either. She always resented me, because she was young when she had me. I know it isn’t nice to say but my mom has always been a grade A whore, she brought home a different guy every night ever since I can remember. She had a couple of what she would consider relationships but they never lasted long. Anyway, she never wanted me; I was the result of an unlucky fuck in the back of a club. The guy left and she found out later that she was pregnant. I don’t know why she kept me but she did, anyway, she never hit me when I was younger but she used to call me names and tell me how I ruined her life.

As I got older and was more aware of her activities with men well I got used to it. I just thought that was how it was supposed to be. I’ll admit I was no virgin when we slept together, my mom had been calling me a slut and a whore since I w as 12 and I guess I just started thinking it must be the truth. So I had sex with some guys, not saying I always enjoyed it, but I did it anyway because I thought I should. And I didn’t like it, I felt dirty most of the time.

And then about a year ago, the hitting started. Mom had her newest conquest home for the night and I yelled through the wall for her to keep the noise down. She came into my room and started yelling at me, saying I was supposed to be invisible so he had no idea I was there. And then she slapped me, a couple times,” Buffy paused as the tears started to cascade down her face,

Spike moved over and pulled her onto his lap, holding her close but waiting for her to keep telling her story in her own time. It took her a few minutes to get her tears under control, but she did and then she went on,

“After that it didn’t happen again for a few weeks and I thought maybe it was a one off. But I was wrong, my mom has always been a drinker, and one day I came home and she was drunk, she saw me and just lunged at me, yelling telling me what a whore I was, that I was dirt and she wished I was dead. She beat me up really badly, I had a black eye, and cuts all up my arms and stuff. I cried and that only made her hit harder. She was my mom so I couldn’t hit her back and even if I tried she was stronger than me. The beatings started to happen more frequently, once a week at first. But eventually it was every day. She would wait for me to come home and as soon as I did she would attack. She was vicious.”

Spike was horrified; he couldn’t believe that Dru had done something like that. He had thought she was a descent person, which was why he hadn’t wanted to hurt her. But now as tears sprung to his eyes listening to Buffy tell him about everything Dru had put her through he wanted her to hurt more than anything. Not physically, he would never hurt a woman, but he wanted her to feel that emotional pain that Buffy did. But he was starting to doubt that Drusilla had feelings at all. He allowed a tear to escape and slide down his cheek as he listened,

“This last Christmas, it was the first Christmas I really had. I didn’t really get gifts or anything. Maybe one or two small things but that was it. No Christmas dinner, or tree or decorations. So when I saw what you had done I had never been so happy, nobody had ever cared that much before. And I started falling for you because you were always nice to me since that first day. When I went to go to my bedroom and you were there and it wasn’t my room anymore. I hadn’t decided I wanted to sleep in the basement but I didn’t want to tell you what mom was like because I was afraid of what she would do. But you were nice to me, and I liked that. And then we kissed on Christmas day and I was really happy because finally someone wanted me for me and not because I was easy. So when you said those things to me at the Bronze, it hurt. Everything crashed in around me; everything mom did, what you said and I wanted it to end. That’s why I tried to kill myself. I wanted it all to be over. But you saved my life. The beatings still didn’t stop, because you were with her. But they didn’t hurt so bad, because I knew someone cared. And every time we made love, it mattered a little bit less. Until you ended it. I found out I was pregnant that day. I told you I wanted to tell you something and before I could you said we were over. I couldn’t tell you. All the time I wasn’t around I was with Willow because she knew about everything, and I needed someone to help me. The beating today was the first one in a while. But I want it to be over for good.”

She looked up into Spike’s eyes and saw the tears that were falling from them, she leant in to kiss him and her own tears mingled with his. He held her even tighter than before,

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he whispered. “But I promise it is over now.”

She nodded, “thanks”

“And I promise you, I’m going to be there with you every step of the way. I am so sorry I hurt you. But I’m here now, and I’m never letting you go again.”

“Promise?” she asked.

“I promise,” he said softly as he captured her lips once more.

Chapter 13: Early Mornings part 1

Spike rolled over in bed as he heard Buffy run from the room and to the bathroom, quickly followed by the sound of throwing up. Spike groaned, but he had promised her he would be there with her so he quickly got up and went to the bathroom. This was the third day in a row he had been woken up by Buffy running from the room to be sick. And every morning he had followed her and rubbed her back and looked after her. He would look after her, he had promised and he didn’t regret that for one minute. As he looked on helplessly while she leant over the toilet bowl, he still thought she had never looked more beautiful. Simply because this was a sign of her pregnancy. A sign of the wonderful thing that they had created together, their baby. And so how could she be anything but beautiful in his eyes. When she finally sat up, before she could stand, Spike scooped her up in his arms and carried her back to their room. He lay her carefully on the bed and tucked her in. He sat on the edge of the bed beside her and held her hand, looking at her with love. He kissed her softly on the lips, smiling when he pulled back.

“Morning, sweetheart.”

“Good morning,” Buffy replied brightly.

“Feeling better?”

“Yeah, hungry.” She flashed him an innocent look before snuggling into the covers, “but I’m too comfortable to get up and cook.”

With a shake of his head Spike stood, “What’s your pleasure, luv?”

“You,” she answered cheekily with a soft giggle, “no, I want pancakes. Oh and eggs and toast and sausage and coffee, oh and lots of syrup on my pancakes.”

“So what, you want me too cook the entire contents of the fridge?” he raised an eyebrow when she pouted at his making fun of her, but he knew she wasn’t really angry. She was just trying to get her way and get to him. It always worked; he went back over to the bed to lean down and kiss her again, “I’m sorry baby, that was mean.”

“It was,” she agreed, but gave him another soft kiss anyway, “now, go cook me breakfast in bed,” she ordered.

With an extravagant bow Spike smiled and left the room.

Spike went to the small kitchen of the apartment. It was a bit of a mess. He had done quite a lot of cooking, but not very much cleaning. But he had a valid reason; he and Buffy had been rather tied- up. Spike tied- up quite literally at one point. But it had been a hell of a lot of fun. Looking at the mess he groaned. There were plates and cups and bowls and cutlery piled in the sink. Pots and pans scattered the counters. There were different ingredients such as pasta and flour sitting next to those from a meal he had made the night before. The place was in all honesty a complete disaster. With a sigh he resigned himself to doing some cleaning before making breakfast.

“Best start with the dishes,” he said aloud to himself before heading for the sink and starting to fill it with water.

Buffy wondered where Spike had gotten to, she got out of bed and walked to the living room where she could see Spike in the tiny little kitchen cleaning dishes. It brought a smile to her face; he looked really funny, so domesticated. She half expected him to be wearing rubber gloves. But she liked the fact that he was acting domestic, it gave her thoughts of the future. She could see pictures of herself and Spike in a cute little house with a white picket fence, with their child. Spike pushing her on a swing set in the front yard. It was a beautiful and perfect picture, and something she hoped would be reality. If he life turned out like that, then all the pain will have been worth it. With one last smile she turned and went back to bed and waited for Spike’s return.

Spike put a single rose on the tray along with Buffy’s breakfast. He had gone out yesterday and bought her a large bouquet of roses, but he had plucked one from the vase to give her along with her breakfast. Grinning at a job well done he carefully lifted the tray and carried it to the bedroom. He smiled when he saw her lying still snuggled up. She sat up when she saw him and he crossed the room to carefully place the tray in her lap. He could practically see her mouth watering at the sight of it. She spotted the rose and picked it up, sniffing the sweet smell of the flower. She smiled and thanked him before she began digging into her breakfast.

Spike was still amazed, but glad to that the sickness hadn’t affected her appetite. She constantly wanted to eat. Not that he would complain about that, he wanted a healthy baby and he knew that her eating properly would play a part in that. So when she was hungry, Spike cooked her whatever she wanted.

He watched her as she quickly finished the contents of her plate.

“Thanks,” she said happily when she was done.

“No problem, luv.”

“Coming back to bed?” she asked, patting the space next to her with a hopeful smile on her face. Her eyes lit up at the thought of having Spike lying next to her once more. She had missed him so much in the time since she had found out she was pregnant and Spike broke up with her, to the day he learned the truth and they were together once more. The look of desire in his eyes warmed her heart. She could see his want and his love for her and it only made her love him more. She expected him to be undressed and in bed with her before she even thought about repeating her question, but that didn’t happen. Instead he remained standing in his place by the bed

“As much as I want to, I can’t. I have to go out,” he told her.

“Where?”

“Just out,” he answered

“Out where?” she asked again.

“I’m going to the house,” he told her.

Buffy immediately jumped out of bed shouting “Why? Why are you going back there? Why are you going where she is?”

“Buffy, I have to go,” he said calmly.

“I can’t believe you’re going back to her,” she yelled sitting on the bed as she began to cry, “you promised. You said you loved me. You said you were going to be there.”

“Buffy-“

“No,” she yelled standing up again and slapping him. “I hate you, you promised.” She lifted her fists and started pounding weakly at his chest as he stood there and let her. Eventually too tired to go on, she fell to the floor and whispered, “you promised.”

Spike sat down beside her, wiping his own tears and pulling her close

“Buffy, I’m only going to pick up our things. Some essentials. I promised I would be with you and I meant it. I love you Buffy, I’m not going anywhere.”

Realisation hit Buffy as his words cut through the mist in his mind and she jumped away from him, frantically shaking her head. She had hit him, she was angry and upset and she hit him. Not very hard, but that wasn’t the point. She had promised herself when Drusilla started beating her that she would never hit someone unless it was in self-defence and she had broken that promise. Someone she claimed to love and she had done that. And she had made him cry. She was just like Drusilla, worse because at least Drusilla had never claimed to love her.

“No, no, no. I’m just like her. I don’t want to be like her, I don’t. Never want to be like her,” she was babbling but she didn’t care. She looked at Spike through watery eyes as he moved towards her again. Gently he took her hands in his.

“Who luv? Who are you like?”

“Drusilla,” she spat the name out like it was poison, “I’m just like her.”

“How are you like her?”

“I hurt you,” she answered, “I hit you and you let me. I’m exactly like her.”

“No,” Spike said angrily, looking directly into Buffy’s eyes. “You are nothing like her. You are a good, kind and loving person. She is an evil bitch.”

“But I hit you. What if I hit our child like she hit me? I’ll be a terrible mother.”

Spike was crying along with Buffy again

“No you won’t. You will be a fantastic mother. You will love and care for our child. You will take care of our child and you will be a great mum. You are nothing like her. And you never, ever will be.”

“But-“

“No buts, you won’t be like her. But please, remember that I love you, don’t forget that again.”

“I promise.” She whispered as she crawled onto his lap and kissed him as their tears began to dry.

Chapter 14: Early Mornings Part 2

Buffy gasped Spike’s name as she tumbled over the edge and into ecstasy. She arched her back as he thrust a few more times before he spilled himself within her, her name on his lips as he came. As they both started to come down from their climax he rested his forehead on hers, before slumping on top of her. He held her tight for a moment before rolling off of her and pulling her over to lay on top of him with her head on his chest. She snuggled into him, taking comfort in the fact that he was still there.

After the tears they had both cried they had needed each other more than ever. Their emotions were ruling them and the best way they could express their emotions at that time was to make love. It said everything they felt and it was what they needed. They needed to both lose and find themselves in each other. And neither had ever felt anything so perfect, or experienced anything so full of love before. Spike placed a kiss on top of her head as he held her close, glad that she was still with him. He had been so afraid he would lose her, it was hard to believe that it had all happened only an hour or so ago, but he knew he never wanted to let it happen again.

They lay there like that for about an hour, in complete silence although neither one of them slept. They just wanted to feel that the other was there with them. But in the end, the inevitable couldn’t be put off any longer. Buffy rolled off of Spike and stood up, wrapping herself in the sheet; she gave him a small smile

“I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for,” he said softly.

“Yes there is, I was so afraid but I promise you I will never do that again. I won’t let myself be that way, I’ll never hurt you,” she promised. Her voice was soft but the muddle of emotions was clear. Spike got up and walked over to her and hugged her tight

“I know. I love you.”

“Love you too,” she looked up into his eyes before kissing him. It wasn’t a long kiss, just enough to let him know she meant every word.

When they parted Spike looked at her, he didn’t know how she would react to his next words “I still have to go to the house.”

“I know, I wish you didn’t but I know that you do. I guess I’m just afraid that she’ll be there and what will happen if she is.”

“All that will happen is that I warn her to stay away, I love you. Only you, I’m coming back. I’m only grabbing the necessities and then coming straight back to you.”

“Promise,” the fear and uncertainty in her eyes terrified him. He never wanted to see that look.

“I swear,” he said, kissing her softly once more before pulling away and moving to get dressed.

Buffy watched as she did, she found one of his shirts and pulled it over her head. She noticed the small smile on his face when he saw her wearing it. When he dressed she walked him to the door. Before he got through it she pulled him back inside and kissed him. She was clinging to him, but eventually she let go, she knew she had to. She gave him a soft smile

“I love you. Hurry back.”

She watched as he walked down the corridor to the elevator. When its doors opened and he got inside she closed the door and leaned against it, praying he wouldn’t be gone for long and praying even harder that her mom wouldn’t be at the house when he got there.

Spike had been glad to find the house empty when he had arrived. But he decided not to waste any time in case Drusilla came back so firstly he went down to the basement to gather some of Buffy’s things. He started off by raiding her closet. He had brought a duffel bag and he grabbed as much as he could fit in the bag. It was only a small amount of her clothes but it would be enough for now. When he had gotten the clothes he gathered some school things, he had called her in sick for the next two weeks to give her time to get back to normal but she would have to go back soon and she would need all her things. He added them to the bag. After that he just grabbed a few other things he thought she would want before going upstairs to collect his own things.

He started off in what had been his and Drusilla’s bedroom, grabbing some of his black shirts, jeans and other items of clothing. He added his hair products and his books. Then he went to his music room. As he stood there he recalled the lie he had been told that had made it his music room and his blood boiled from his anger at his ex. But he didn’t have time to waste all day thinking about it so he hurried to shove as many of his CD’s, sheet music and other items as he could in the bag. As he was walking out of the room he picked up his guitar and headed back downstairs. His anger came back when he reached the bottom of the steps just as Drusilla walked through the front door.

After Spike had left Buffy had decided to have a snoop around the apartment. She knew it didn’t belong to him but to his business partner. And who knew Spike had a business partner? Or a business for that matter? But apparently he and Lorne owned a music store together. Spike mostly worked from home dealing with promotions and stuff while Lorne did the day-to-day stuff in the store. But Lorne was out of town for a couple of weeks and Spike was in charge but he had put another employee in charge for a week so that he could spend time with her. But while he was out she was going to have a look around.

She started looking through the drawers, not sure what she was looking for. Nothing in particular really, she was just bored. In one of the drawers she found a photo album, she pulled it out and sat down. Just as she flipped it open the door opened, she looked up expecting to see Spike but saw Lorne’s sister Ali instead.

“Hi,” Ali greeted warmly as she waked over and sat with Buffy.

“Hey,” Buffy replied shyly.

“What you looking at?”

“Oh sorry, I found it in the drawer, Spike had to go out and I thought it would be ok if I had a look,” Buffy blushed felling like a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. But Ali just grinned and said

“Sure it is, I know this album. There are a lot of pictures of Spike in here.” The girl took the album from Buffy and flipped it open to the right page and Buffy looked at the pictures of Spike that must be around ten years old.

“When were those taken?”

“Almost ten years ago, Lorne and Spike went to high school together in LA. This was just before graduation,” she said pointing to a picture of Spike and a cute guy whom she guessed was Lorne sitting in front of a house. There were several others that looked like they had been taken at school. “Spike moved to LA when he was 15 and he and Lorne have been best friends ever since. They moved here a few months ago when they decided to open the store and I came here to go to college. Spike is like a big brother.”

She flipped the page and Buffy smiled at the picture of Spike on graduation day, wearing his cap and gown and holding his diploma with a huge smile on his face, “a lot of people thought he would never make it to that day, thought he was a no user. But he proved them all wrong, he is one of the best people I know, he did good for himself,” Ali saw the proud smile that played on Buffy’s lips.

“He loves you a lot,”

“I love him too,” Buffy replied.

“Good, he deserves to be happy and I can see you make him happy. And any friend of Spike’s is a friend of mine.”

Buffy smiled at her again and leaned back down to continue looking at the pictures.

“Drusilla,” Spike said as he finished descending the steps, his voice full of contempt.

“Spike, I knew you would come back to me. That Buffy, she’s no good. Not good enough for you,” she walked over to him placing her hand on his cheek, “you need someone who can fulfil your needs.”

Spike pulled her hand away, “She fulfils my needs just fine, thank you. Actually better than you ever could, after all I left you for her.”

“But you love me,” Drusilla insisted.

“No, I don’t. I love Buffy, have done since the moment I saw her and you could never compare.”

“You are mine,” she screeched.

“No, I’m hers,” he corrected her.

“She’ll pay for this, I swear. That little whore will be sorry. She’s dirt and she needs to remember it. You will be mine again Spike and she will be sorry she ever tried to take you from me.”

Spike got in her face, angry beyond the telling of it at her words, “You so much as say a bad word to her Dru, and I swear you will regret it. You stay away from her and me.”

“But see, she’s my daughter, I’ll get her back. I’ll tell the police you stole her away.”

Spike couldn’t help but laugh, “won’t work, she’s 18. She’s a legal adult and you have no claim over her. She isn’t coming back here, not now, or ever again. You have my word for it.”

With that Spike pushed past her and walked out, he didn’t want to waste his time on her, he wanted to get back to Buffy. She was the most important thing in his world. But as he got in his car he could still hear Drusilla’s screams of

“That little bitch is going to be sorry. I will make her pay.”

But Spike paid her no mind as he turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the driveway.

Chapter 15: Ultrasounds and Coming Out

In the next month that passed Buffy and Spike had grown closer. Buffy was less afraid of losing Spike than she had been in the beginning and was beginning to realise that he meant it when he said he loved her. He had been great; Buffy was still upset over everything that had happened with her mom but she obviously didn’t miss it. It was nice to be able to wear nice clothes again and to wake up in the morning and not have to sneak out of the house. But her favourite thing was waking up every morning next to Spike. He treated her like a queen and she loved it.

She was into her third month of pregnancy and Spike was becoming more and more excited, already talking about decorating bedrooms and baby names. Buffy loved to see his enthusiasm and the smile that lit up his face whenever the topic came around to their child.

They had started looking around for an apartment of their own, Lorne was due back in a week and they wanted to have moved out by then. They had found a place they liked and were just waiting for everything to be finalised so that they could move in. That only left them with one problem, or more precisely Buffy, and that was her friends. Willow knew about the pregnancy and that her mom hit her but she didn’t know about anything that had happened that day or after it. As far as her friends were concerned she was still living with her mom and Spike was still dating Drusilla. Xander still didn’t know anything. She had to change that. So she had told them to meet her at the gates after school and go to her place where she would talk to them. Spike would be there too.

She had been doing better at school since moving out, she was surprised she got any work done after all, Spike was a permanent distraction and a very welcome one at that. But he also made sure her work got done. Buffy had a free last period, so she did some homework while she waited for final bell so she wouldn’t have much to do over the weekend. She was outside waiting for Willow and Xander when the bell went. They met her by the gate and she smiled as greeting

“You guys ready?”

“You bet,” Xander, grinned his goofy grin and Buffy started leading the way. After ten minutes of walking Willow finally said

“Um Buffy, isn’t your house in a totally different direction?”

“Yeah Buff, I thought we were going to your place,” Xander looked at her with a puzzled face.

“We are,” Buffy answered coming to a stop in front of the apartment building. “I live here, at least for the next week.”

“Huh?” Xander and Willow said together.

“Come on up and I’ll explain everything.”

Buffy led the way inside pressing the button for the elevator and waiting silently for it to arrive. While she waited she thought about what she was going to say when she got up to the apartment and was faced with a tirade of questions from her friends, and she knew it would happen. The elevator dinged and Buffy and the others stepped in. When it stopped on her floor she got out and walked to the door. She looked back at the others with a nervous smile before opening the door, seeing Spike in the kitchen putting some chips in a bowl and getting some cans of coke out of the fridge for their guests, when he saw Buffy he put everything on the counter and came to the door to greet her with a kiss. Buffy saw the looks on her friend’s faces when they parted and wondered when one of them would say something. It took a few moments but she wasn’t surprised when Xander was the first to say something

“Buffy, why are you making out with your mom’s boyfriend?”

With a nervous laugh she took Spike’s hand, “well, you see that’s what I wanted to talk to you about. He isn’t my mom’s boyfriend anymore. He’s my boyfriend.”

Xander looked dumfounded by this new turn of events, Willow although she had known about the previous affair also looked surprised.

“Ok, since when?” Xander asked.

“Ok, this is a bit of a long story, and I think you might want to sit down before I tell it.”

She pointed to the sofa and Spike led her by the hand to the other sitting down beside her so that they were sitting across from Willow and Xander. As soon as he sat down Xander started talking again

“Ok, what is going on? Why are you not living at home? Your mom must be worried sick,” he stopped when he heard Buffy, Spike and Willow scoff at the last statement and that just made him want to know more. What did Willow know that he didn’t?

“Xander, my mom probably cares that I’m not at home but not for the reason you think. She’s probably only bothered about the fact that she no longer has her punching bag around.” She saw the shocked look on his face and she felt sorry for him. He had always thought he mom was a bit nuts but she doubted he had ever suspected anything really bad of her. But instead of starting to run his mouth off like he normally would he didn’t say anything. Buffy was willing to bet that was because of the shock but at least it meant she could continue.

“Remember how weird I had been this past year? Well that was the reason; my mom was drinking and beating me constantly. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to worry you. Willow knew because she figured it out. But I didn’t want to worry anyone and so I didn’t do anything about it. As for Spike, well he moved in and you know sometimes things just happen.”

“Buffy how could you not tell me? I understand that you didn’t want to worry me, but Buffy I’m your best friend too,” the hurt in Xander’s voice was genuine and Buffy was sorry but she couldn’t explain her reasons to him. Because she didn’t really understand them herself.

“I’m sorry, that’s all I can say.”

“Ok, I get that part. But how did you two get together, why did you get together?” Willow asked.

“That’s something else I should tell you. Something neither of you know. Do you remember that night near the end of January when I was supposed to meet you at The Bronze but didn’t show.”

Upon her friends nods she took a breath, Spike squeezed her hand. She needed to tell them this, they were her friends, and they would want to know.

“Well, Spike and I had an argument, but he wasn’t to blame for what I’m about to tell you ok. It was a lot of things.”

“Buffy tell us,” Willow pleaded.

“Ok, well we had an argument and everything just got to me after that. Everything with my mom, I was just so depressed. I was outside the club but I went back home,” she could see the worried looks that her friends wore and so she closed her eyes as she said the next sentence, “I took an overdose. I tried to kill my self.”

She heard the twin gasps and she heard the sobs that escaped Willow. Looking up she could see that Xander was barely holding tears back and Spike’s grip on her hand had tightened considerably.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Willow sniffed

“I’m sorry guys, I just felt so awful I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Is there more?” Xander asked her.

“Yes, Willow knows most of this too. After that happened, Spike found me. He was keeping an eye on me. We had kissed once before and I had totally fallen for him. Anyway, we kind of, well we slept together. We were seeing each other for a while after that. But then it ended. And then we got back together. And I also found out something. Um, I don’t know how to tell you this, I don’t know the right words so I’m just gonna say it. I’m, well I’m pregnant.”

“What?” Xander exclaimed suddenly standing, looking at Spike “you asshole, she’s 18.”

“Yeah and she’s an adult. Legally. Don’t come in here yelling at me for falling in love.”

“Love? For god’s sake, she’s an 18-year-old high school girl, why would you want someone that young? What were you just the first guy that crazy Drusilla wouldn’t put out for?”

“Hey, enough” Buffy screeched above Xander’s shouts. “Look, Xander, I know you’re upset but this isn’t Spike’s fault. I love him, that isn’t changing anytime soon or ever for that matter. Now you can either sit down and let me finish and also leave my boyfriend alone. Or you can go now, which will it be?”

Xander sat down.

“Thank you. Right where was I? Oh yeah. I’m pregnant, around threemonths. And I’m keeping the baby, before you ask. Spike and I are moving into an apartment of our own next week. This is his friend’s place. And we have the first ultrasound tomorrow. But, what I’m saying is, I’m not going back home. Spike and I are together and it’s going to stay that way. You guys are welcome to come with tomorrow. You would need to probably sit in the waiting room, but at least you would be there. It’s up to you.”

“Well, I wanna go,” Willow, said hugging her friend.

“Thanks,” Buffy said softly.

“Yeah, I’ll go too.”

Buffy smiled at Xander before hugging him. She then went back to sit by Spike. They sat quietly for a moment until Spike feeling awkward by the quiet stood up

“So, anyone want snacks?”

Everything had gone relatively smoothly for the rest of the night. After Willow and Xander left, Buffy and Spike enjoyed some alone time. Or in other words, they enjoyed an early night in bed, without much sleeping being done.

They woke up bright and early the next morning, both excited about their appointment later that morning. They were due for the ultrasound at midday and neither one could wait. Because after today everything would be official, they would see their baby. It would be real and nobody could take it away from them. They spent the morning chatting about everything baby. What they wanted to decorate the room like, what kind of pram they wanted. Anything and everything was the topic and it kept up all the way to the doctor’s. And the whole time, the smile’s never left their faces.

Willow and Xander were already there waiting for them when they arrived. Willow gave Buffy a hug while Xander gave Spike a death stare. But Spike let it wash over him. He wasn’t going to let anything get to him today, he was too happy. So, without letting go of Buffy’s hand he led everyone inside.

They didn’t have to wait long before they were called in; Spike waited patiently while Buffy changed into the gown the doctor gave her. When she was ready she got up on the table and waited. Spike sat right next to her and they spoke softly to each other while waiting. They automatically silenced themselves when the doctor came in, looking at each other in anticipation of seeing their baby for the first time. It may only be a tiny image on a screen but it was their baby.

Buffy lay back, trying to get as comfortable as possible on a bed that was not meant to be comfortable. She slid the gown up slightly, her lower half hidden under the thin sheet. Buffy felt the doctor apply some of the cold gel to her skin; she looked at Spike for a moment until she felt the small want start to glide across her tummy, she and Spike both looked towards the screen. The doctor looked at the screen and smiled, and a moment later Buffy and Spike heard a fast thudding sound, the heartbeat. Spike’s face lit up, it was the most amazing sound he had ever heard.

“There’s one baby,” he heard the doctor say, but was shocked to hear “and there’s the other.”

Buffy and Spike, whose eyes had still been glued to the screen until that point, whipped their heads around to look at the doctor.

“O- other baby?” Buffy stammered.

“Yes,” the doctor said with a smile “congratulations, you’re having twins.”

Buffy looked at Spike tentatively she saw a look of shock be overtaken by a look of awe, he looked back at the screen and whispered,

“Two babies,” he felt Buffy squeeze his hand and looked up at her. “We’re gonna have two babies,” he repeated.

“Yeah,” she smiled and gave him a soft kiss, before lying back down.

Not long after the doctor gave them their ultrasound photographs and they smiled as the went back to meet up with Willow and Xander.

“How’d it go?” Willow asked

“Great, we’re having twins,” Buffy squealed. She knew maybe she should have been a little quieter but she was so happy and excited. She hadn’t been expecting to be told she was going to be a mother of two, but she was happy about the it. She was going to be the kind of mother that her own wasn’t. And she and Spike were going to be a proper family. That was the happiest feeling in the world.

Chapter 16: Shopping and Baby Names

The end of her third month and now the fourth month of Buffy’s pregnancy had gone relatively smoothly. Everyone knew now about her and Spike, and although some people had been assholes most hadn’t known about his relationship with her mom so they were ok. Their only issue was with the age difference. But they didn’t let it get to them. Neither of them had ever felt so in love before. They loved being able to spend their time together, lying on the couch watching a movie or just eating dinner together. They had moved into their new two-bedroom apartment. Spike had decorated it exactly how Buffy had wanted. The living room had been kept simple in cream and pale blue. While their bedroom was in red and black. It was their own home and it really felt like it.

Buffy had started a tradition of meeting Willow every Saturday for shopping. It was something that they had done before all the bad stuff had started happening and Buffy wanted to enjoy being back to normal before the babies were born. So every Saturday at noon, they met and went to the mall. But this Saturday was a bit different because Spike was going with them. This Saturday they were going to pick out some things for the twins and so Spike had wanted to be there. And of course neither Buffy nor Willow had any problem with that. It also made things simpler as Spike drove them to the mall in his Desoto. Xander had been invited along too but had declined on the grounds of having too much homework. But they knew it was because he was still uncomfortable with Buffy’s relationship with Spike. Although he accepted it for the sake of his friendship with Buffy, he tried not to be around Spike if it were possible. He realised that eventually he would have to spend time with him but for now he needed more time.

Buffy and Spike held hands, smiling goofily as they walked through the mall. Willow smiled at how sweet and happy they looked together. She was happy for her friend, she had been through hell and she deserved some happiness. She still thought it was weird that she was in love with her mom’s ex, but he made Buffy happy. There was nothing more important than that. As long as he treated Buffy good, then as far as Willow was concerned she had no problem with the relationship.

Spike and Willow when Buffy let a squeal and ran from them, but when the looked at where she had gone they saw she was standing in front of a baby clothing store, fawning over a tiny white dress. The followed to where she was standing as she mumbled words like

“Oh my god, that is so cute. I love it, we need to buy it.”

Spike rolled his eyes, “Buffy we don’t know what the babies are yet,” he reminded her.

“I know but there can’t be anything wrong in buying one dress. Well two dresses because there are two babies but still, pleas.” She looked up at him hopefully, and then kisses him. She knew that would get her exactly what she wanted.

Spike grumbled about “bloody women,” and being “love’s bitch,” while Buffy and Willow and Buffy entered the store ahead of him laughing heartily at the look on Spike’s face. Still mumbling to himself, Spike followed them inside.

An hour later they were still in the store and Spike Buffy and Willow all had baskets filled with different baby things. Spike had two baskets, full to overflowing with baby suits; sleep suits, tiny socks, bibs, and other items. Buffy had cot sheets and towels and shoes. Basically they had two of everything in the store more or less. Spike knew it would cost him a fortune, but this was for their children and he could see Buffy glow with happiness as she chose exactly what she wanted. So it was worth it. Finally the got to the checkout and paid for everything. When they left the store, Buffy decided it was time to pick the cots. And so on to the next store they went.

Wandering around the furniture store, Buffy gasped in awe at all the cots, and changing tables. Spike loved the way her face lit up as she looked at them. He walked away and began looking at other furniture for the room. When he heard a yelp he spun round, afraid something had happened but then he caught sight of Buffy, standing with wide eyes in front of a crib. He went to join them and put a hand on the small of her back,

“You alright, pet?”

“This is the one Spike, look at it. It’s gorgeous.”

He had to agree, it was a very nice crib. It was a round twinkle star crib. It was a starlight crib with painted middle panels. It was perfect.

“Are you sure this is the one, luv?”

“I’m certain. It’s perfect.”

“Ok, well. We won’t order it today because we have nowhere to put it yet but we will come back in a couple of weeks for it. We can even get all the matching furniture.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” she squealed happily, launching herself into his arms and smothering him with kisses. And again Willow watched with a smile.

When they left the furniture store Spike decided he needed a break from the girls. So he gave Buffy a kiss on the cheek and left her and Willow to their own devices. He was going home for a while and had promised to pick her up later. Only he didn’t go home. He watched until Buffy and Willow were safely inside another store and doubled back to the furniture store. He had some things to take care of.

Buffy and Willow chatted animatedly in the food court about all the purchases they had made. Since Spike left they had done some more baby shopping before moving onto the equally as fun Buffy and Willow shopping. Buffy knew that chances were she wouldn’t be able to fit into the clothes she had bough in a months time but she didn’t care. She liked them; she could always wear them after the babies were born.

“All the stuff you got is adorable Buffy. All those little baby suits, they are so tiny and cute. And I still can’t believe you’re having a baby,” Willow smiled.

“I know,” Buffy, said excitedly, “I am so happy. Everything is just going so perfect that sometimes I wonder if maybe it’s not real, but then I wake up in the morning and Spike is there with his hand resting on my belly and I know that it is. And I just feel warm and safe and loved.”

“Oh, Buff that is so great. I’m glad he makes you happy.”

“He really does,” Buffy nodded.

They both smiled.

After picking them up at 5:30 Spike took Willow home before driving himself and Buffy back to their apartment. While she put away all of the day’s purchases he ran her a bubble bath, heavy on the bubbles. While she soaked, Spike whipped up some dinner, nothing fancy, just some pasta and salad. It was ready by the time Buffy emerged dressed in a pair of pyjama pants and a tank top. Spike had dimmed the lights and lit some candles in the living room, giving it a warm, cosy glow. He gave her a kiss as he brought the plates into the living room. Deciding they would eat on the couch for comfort. They ate in relative silence; once in a while one would say something to the other. But mostly they just enjoyed being together. For them, sometimes sitting together in silence was just as good and as nice as talking for hours. But they loved both; they loved talking. They just understood each other. They felt so complete in the presence of the other and they never wanted to not be together. And the both believed that they never would be, at least not if they had anything to do with it.

When they were done, Buffy offered to wash the dishes, and though Spike objected she wouldn’t take no for an answer. So while she did the washing up he decided to grab a quick shower. By the time he came back dressed in only a pair of sweats, Buffy was curled on the couch with a book.

“Watcha reading luv?” he asked taking a seat beside her on the couch.

Buffy held the book up so that he could see

“Baby names,” he said.

“Yep,” she said with a grin, “I thought we could have a nice night, snuggling on the couch and choosing names.”

“I could thing of something much more fun,” he purred leaning over to her.

“But I want to choose names,” she pouted

“But baby,” he protested

“If we can do choose names now, we can indulge in some of that other fun later,” She promised with a sultry smile.

“Ok,” he agreed with a bright smile. He moved into the corner of the couch and lay back he opened his arms; she scooted over to lie between his legs with the back of her head resting on his chest.

Buffy flipped the pages, “ do you want to start with boys names or girl’s names?” she asked.

“Boys,” he answered purely because they came first in the book.

“‘K,” she answered.

Deciding to start from the beginning she went back to the start of the back and started looking through the names, holding the book so that Spike could see. They lay there just scanning the pages when Buffy spotted a name she liked,

“What about Cameron?” she said.

“I don’t much like it, I just don’t think it sounds right.”

“I think it’s cute, let’s see what it means… crooked nose.”

She heard Spike laugh and frowned, “sorry luv, but it even has a crap meaning.”

“Ok, let’s keep looking then.”

“What about Jordan?” Spike suggested.

“It’s nice. I like the J with your surname. I think it sounds good with Giles, we’ll keep it as a maybe,” Buffy told him. Spike nodded his agreement and went back to looking through the pages of names.

They looked over the pages quietly for the next five minutes, thinking to themselves about what names sounded best. Neither said a word during the process but suddenly they said together

“Joshua”

They smiled, “It is a nice name, and it’s a J,” he said.

“Joshua Giles,” I like that Buffy grinned.

“Me too, pet, me too,” he kissed the top of her head affectionately.

“Don’t we need another boys name, just in- case”

“Well, why don’t we go with Jordan?”

“Yeah,” Buffy smiled, “I like that idea.” She tilted her head back so he could give her a soft kiss. “ok, girl’s names.”

Spike laughed at her excitement as she once again started flipping through the book. Before long the suggestions for names for baby girls were coming one after another without a breath between them, Spike could barely keep up as Buffy excitedly said,

“What about Emily? Or Madison? Or maybe even brook,”

“Buffy, luv, calm down and take a breath,” Spike ordered.

“Ok,” Buffy said her lips curling into a slight pout.

“Now, my opinion on those names is, they’re cute. But I don’t think I like them enough.”

“But they’re so pretty,” Buffy said trying to sway him.

“They are, but we don’t just want pretty. For our children we want perfect.”

He knew she would melt and the smile that covered her face showed him he was right, “well, yeah,” she agreed. “So what names do you think?”

“Well I saw a few nice ones,” he took the book from her and went back a few pages, “I liked Taylor. It’s different and it’s a pretty name.”

“I like it too,” Buffy decided.

“Great, there were another couple. Do you want to go with the J thing for girls too?”

“Yeah, we could at least have a look at J names.” Buffy took the book again and went to the ‘J’ section. She murmured the names as she looked through them,

“Here’s one,” she said, “what about Jordan for a girl too?”

“Well, it is nice but it strikes me as a boys name,” Spike mused.

“Yeah, but it’s different.”

“I suppose,” Spike nodded.
“Well we’ll look at a few more before deciding,” Buffy looked back at the book.

“Jade,” Spike said all of a sudden.

“Huh?”

“The name, for a girl, Jade.”

“Oh I like it that, it’s so cute.” She smiled as she thought of the name in her head and it sounded really cute. “Yeah, I like it. My suggestion for the other is Jessica. I know it’s quite a common name, but doesn’t Jessica Giles just sound so good?” Buffy seemed to disappear into a dream world; broken out of it only when Spike responded

“It does, so I think those are our names, Jade and Jessica for girls,”

“And Jordan and Joshua for boys,” she finished with a happy smile, she leaned over and kissed him, “I love you.”

“Love you too,” he replied, kissing her again more passionately.

“Why don’t we get down to that other fun now?” Buffy whispered.

Spike didn’t answer; he simply lifted her in his arms and carried her to their room, laying her down gently on the bed. He kissed along her collarbone as he lifted her tank top off. He moved his kisses downward, until he reached her breasts. He paid her breasts attention while he slipped her pyjama pants off. When she was completely naked she sat up to slip his sweatpants off. He lay beside her on the bed, at first just kissing and caressing each other gently, until it was too much and they both needed more. Spike shifted so that he was above her, placing himself at he entrance and gently thrusting inside. They took their time, in no hurry for it to end. They met each other’s thrusts and seemed lost in an endless kiss as they moved together. It was like they were home when they were joined together so intimately. They rocked gently, until they found release together. Never breaking their connection, Spike rolled to his back, taking Buffy with him. She lay on his chest as they fell into a deep sleep.

Chapter 17

Buffy couldn’t believe she was in the middle of her 6th month of pregnancy. The time seemed to have flown by. She had quite a large bump now, not as big as most people in their 6th month of pregnancy with twins but her doctor had said that for her size and weight it was fine. So she wasn’t worried. Spike loved to lie at night in bed with his hand on her bump, loved feeling his children kick beneath his hand. And Buffy loved the comfort that these small gestures brought her. It felt perfect.

In the past month and a half, they had done a lot. Buffy had graduated high school. And Spike had been there to cheer her on. It had been a very proud moment. She had decoded to put college off for a year though. Baby wise, they had decorated the babies’ bedroom. The cots had been delivered and the room had been painted in a soft yellow colour. With a mural on one of the walls. The room looked really cute; there was even a rocking chair in one of the corners. It was exactly how Buffy had imagined it looking. She was becoming more and more excited. She still had three months to go but she could hardly wait.

Spike was determined to make her take it easy; he did everything for her. She hardly lifted a finger, but she did enjoy being pampered. It was nice. He was so cute the way he fussed over her, he was perfect. The perfect guy. But he was gone for the day, well most of the day so she was going to spend the day with Willow, just going to the mall. And it was time to leave.

Spike was happy with himself as he drove back from LA. He had been shopping for a gift for Buffy, wanting to show her how special she was and he had found the perfect thing. But in order to go buy it he had to leave early and so ha hadn’t seen her all day. So he was going to make her a nice dinner for when she got back from her day out with Willow. He had missed not spending all day with her, so he was going to make the most of the evening. He hoped she liked what he had bought.

Buffy was surprised when she arrived home about 7pm to find the apartment6 lit by candlelight. It looked beautiful. She saw a smiling Spike come from the kitchen area and walked over to kiss him. She leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his neck,

“Hey you,” she said softly, pulling back.

“Hey yourself,” he replied with another quick kiss.

“I missed you today,” she told him.

“Missed you too, but I made us dinner so we get to have a nice night all to ourselves.”

Buffy grinned happily, she let him take her hand and lead her to the couch. He unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it off, taking it from her to hang on the coat rack while she sat down. She watched him, smiling inwardly at how he was being even sweeter than usual. When he came back over she took his hand to pull him to sit beside her. She snuggled into him, enjoying the warmth of being held by him,

“How long until dinner’s ready?” she asked.

“Ten minutes,” he answered.

“Plenty of time for some snuggling,” she smiled leaning up to plant another kiss on his lips. Pulling away she curled into his side and they sat in silence.

Buffy sat across from Spike at the small table he had set up for them to eat at, he had made her favourite meal of lamb with potatoes and vegetables. It had taken him a while but she enjoyed it so it was worth it. For dessert he had strawberry cheesecake, another of her favourites. Buffy moaned in pleasure as she took the first bit of her dessert. It was deliciously sweet. Spike loved the look on her face. He hardly ate his own because he was enjoying watching her too much. It didn’t take her long to eat it all. When she was done, he cleared her plate and brought her a drink. He was beginning to feel nervous, he wanted to say something but felt awkward saying it at the kitchen table, so he suggested moving back to the couch. When she was sitting comfortably Spike went to retrieve her ‘gift’ but when he came back Buffy noticed he looked incredibly nervous.

“Something wrong?” she asked, her brow furrowed.

“Um, no, I just wanted to say something.”

“Ok, then say it,” she smiled warmly.

Spike patted his jean pocket, ensuring the box was still there and then sat beside her.

“Ok,” she said, waiting for him to say what he wanted to say.

“Ok,” he replied nervously. But he looked into her eyes and looked at her smiling face and his nervousness disappeared.

“You know I love you right?” he asked her.

“Of course, I love you too.”

“Well, I need to tell you how much,” he turned to face her taking both her hands in his, “Buffy I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. The first time I saw you, I knew there was something special about you, and speaking to you, I realised what it is. You are filled with love. Your smile brightens up every room, and it brightens up my life. I feel like I connect with you on every level. When I found out you pregnant, I felt like I had been given the most special gift, even more so because you loved me. I know I made some mistakes and didn’t always do the right thing by you in the beginning, but I want you to know that even though I made those mistakes, I still loved you more than I can say.”

Buffy watched shocked as he reached into his pocket before moving to the floor on one knee, “and now,” he went on, “I want to make sure that I do right by you for the rest of my life. I want to be there for you and our children. I want to wake up with you beside me. I want our family to go for picnics in the park.” He opened the box, “and I want to be able to introduce you as my wife. Buffy, you’re everything I ever wanted, you and our children, and the one thing I thought I’d never be lucky enough to have. And now that I do, I never want to let it go. Will you marry me?”

Buffy couldn’t believe it, she took in the beautiful ring, it was platinum with a heart shaped diamond. She knew she was crying, she didn’t know why, time seemed to stand still but in reality her answer was instant,

“Yes, of course I will,” she cried happily. She watched as he slipped the ring on her finger before kissing her. He then placed a kiss on her growing bump. He smiled at her with adoration in his eyes. Neither had ever been so happy. She stood up, taking his hand and leading him to their bedroom.

Buffy smiled as she lay in bed the next morning, she looked at the ring wearing a huge smile on her face. She was still trying to take in the events of the previous night. She couldn’t believe he proposed to her. She had dreamed about it, imagined it constantly, but her imagination had never been able to conjure anything as wonderful or as beautiful as his true proposal. She could not have wished for anything more. She sighed happily snuggling into the covers. It was after midday, but Spike had to go out. He hadn’t wanted to but Lorne had needed to speak to him about something at the store and he had to go, but he promised he wouldn’t be long and requested she wait for him in bed. And she was more than happy to comply.

She was beginning to fall into slumber when the shrill ringing of the telephone startled it, grumbling she threw her hand to the bedside table where the phone sat and fumble for the receiver. She grabbed it and brought it to her ear,

“Hello,” she mumbled. She heard loud sobs coming from the other end, “hello?” she repeated.

“B- Buffy?” she heard her mother’s voice ask.

“What do you want? How did you get my number?” Buffy demanded.

“I got it from Willow’s mother I was worried. Buffy sweetheart please, I’m so sorry. You need to come, I had a fall and I may need a doctor. Please come and help me, I’m so sorry for everything,” Drusilla sobbed over the phone.

“Why should I do anything for you?” she snapped.

“I’m your mother, and I want to apologise, Buffy I was messed up. I’m so sorry for everything. But you’re all I have, please.”
Buffy didn’t feel any sympathy for her mom, but at the same time she did need to speak to her. Not to say it was ok, that she was forgiven. But she had to see her, tell her what she thought. And then she really could move on. She could cut Drusilla out of her life completely, so as much as she didn’t want to she found herself agreeing to go over,

“I’ll be there soon,”

“Thank you,” Drusilla wept, merely to be met with a dial tone. As she put the phone down Drusilla smiled, no tears evident on her face. “Silly cow,” she muttered to herself, “told you you would pay.” She went to prepare for her daughter’s visit.

Forty- five minutes later Drusilla watched through the window as Buffy made her way up the path to the front door. She had left it unlocked and when she heard the handle turn she made herself cry again. She was sitting on the couch sobbing into her hands when Buffy entered the living room.

She looked at her mother shaking as she cried, but she couldn’t feel sympathy for her, she did feel pity. But she still didn’t trust her. But she needed to be here, not for Drusilla’s sake but for her own. She stood in front of her mom, but keeping some distance away,

“Mom,” she said tersely.

Drusilla looked up, fake tears dripping down her cheeks, “Buffy, sweetheart,” Drusilla said, trying to sound sincere.

“What did you want me to come here for?” Buffy asked, wanting to get straight to the point.

“To talk, to say I’m sorry, to ask you to come home,” her mom told her.

“Not going to happen,” Buffy assured her, “I’m picking up some things while I’m here and then maybe we can talk.”

“Buffy, I’m your mother this is where you’re supposed to be,” Drusilla said too sharply, making Buffy feel uneasy. But she didn’t allow it to show; instead she turned away,

“I’ll be back shortly, maybe we can talk. But I’m leaving again later,”

As Buffy retreated for the stairs, Drusilla smirked to herself,

“We’ll see about that, darling daughter,” her voice was too faint for Buffy to hear.

While Buffy was in Spike’s old music room packing up his records and stuff that he had left behind, Drusilla was busy downstairs. She locked all of the doors and unplugged the phone, she had been waiting to get Buffy back for months and now she was there all alone, it was too perfect. The bitch would pay, just like Drusilla had assured them she would. She had been furious when she saw the growing bump her daughter was sporting as a result of her pregnancy. To the man that Drusilla had first and still considered to be hers. She couldn’t let Buffy get away with it. As she heard Buffy move around a smile crossed her face, no, Buffy had taken something from her. And now Drusilla would take something from Buffy. Life.

Buffy was surprised when she heard the room door open; she shoved something in her pocket as she turned around to see a smiling Drusilla,

“I think we should have that chat now,”

“Not now mom,” Buffy turned her back.

“Yes now,” Drusilla demanded and then softened her voice. She had to keep her act up a little longer.

Looking at her watch Buffy sighed, “Fine, five minutes and then I’m gone.”

“Ok,” Drusilla took her by the arm and led her to a seat. Sitting across from her Drusilla looked at her daughter, fixed her sad look in place and started her well thought out speech. “Buffy, I know I wasn’t the best mother to you. I made a lot of mistakes, and I am so sorry. I hurt you very badly and I realise that I was wrong.” She forced a single tear to roll down her cheek, “and I want you to know I am truly sorry. I regret it,” Drusilla smile d inwardly at the look on Buffy’s face as she thought silently ‘like hell I do’ but Buffy seemed to buy her story so that was good.

“Anyway,” she continued, “as for Spike, I know you don’t believe it but I love him.”

Buffy scoffed and decided that before she went overboard and Buffy didn’t believe anything else, it was time to start the ball rolling, “and he loves me. I’m sorry Buffy. But he comes here all the time, begging me to take him back. Telling me what a mistake he made, how he doesn’t even believe the babies are his. I know this hurts you, and that’s not what I want,” she lied, “but you have to know.”

Buffy stood up angrily, “Don’t even start Drusilla,” she spat, no longer wanting to call her mom, “you only know I’m having twins because I know you still talk to Willow’s mom. Spike wouldn’t come near you. He loves me, get used to it.” As she tried to push by, Drusilla grabbed her arm, spinning her round,

“You’re mistaken, darling daughter,” Drusilla sneered, “I know because your beloved Spike comes here every night and tells me, while he fucks me into the mattress,” a cruel smirk replaced her previous sad pout.

Buffy shook her head in disgust, “you are so delusional. Want to know how I know this, while he supposedly fucking you into the mattress, he’s at home, in OUR apartment, making love to me. He stopped caring about you long ago. And whether you like it or now, he’s not coming back.”

“Oh yes he is, he’s mine” Drusilla screeched, “You have no claim on him. Nothing that says he won’t come back to me where he belongs.”

“Wanna bet?” Buffy asked holding her hand up so her mother could see the diamond engagement ring he had given her just last night, “tell me this, if he loved you so much, why would he have asked me to marry him? Get a life, I’m leaving to get on with mine.” She pushed past Drusilla heading for the stairs. A moment later, Drusilla chased after her.

“You little bitch,” Drusilla yelled, “who do you think you are? He belongs to me; you can’t have him. For some reason you believe that what’s mine is yours.”

Buffy laughed, “that’s because he is mine. He’s not yours Drusilla, he never was. And he never will be. Get used to it. As for who I am, I’m Buffy Summers, soon to be Buffy Giles, you should get used to that too.”

“You stole him, and it’s time for me to claim him back, you can’t keep him,” Drusilla edged closer to Buffy who tried to back away, growing increasingly worried. She felt at the phone in her pocket, praying Spike would turn up soon. She called him when she was upstairs knowing something had to be going on and he told her he would be there when he could. As Buffy continued to back away she wished he would hurry, she was becoming very scared as Drusilla kept talking in a scary tone of voice,

“You took him from me, and it’s only fair that I get, or take something from you. I want to take life,”

Buffy’s eyes widened, “you’re going to kill me?” Buffy squeaked.

Drusilla laughed, “don’t be silly, I’m not going to kill you,” She looked at Buffy bump and Buffy realised what she meant and before she had a chance to stop it, she felt Drusilla’s hands come in contact with her chest as she began to fall backwards.

Spike barely parked the car before he was running up the path, he turned the handle but the door wasn’t opening. It was locked. With a frustrated sigh he remembered that Buffy had kept her key, in the glove box of the car. She had put it there the day they left. He ran back to the car and started rummaging through the glove box. After what seemed forever he found it underneath a pile of stuff, tapes and the like and sprinted back to the house, leaving the car door lying open. He got the key in the door as quickly as he could, and practically fell through the door. Horror filled him at the sight that greeted him, Buffy tumbling from the top of the stairs, while Drusilla stood at the top. Smiling.

Spike wanted to kill her when eh saw Buffy lying at the bottom of the stairs, he rushed to her side, kneeling and holding her hand,

“Come on baby, wake up,” he pleaded. She was barely conscious. He looked at Drusilla with hate in his eyes

“If anything happens to her I swear-“

“Oh Spike, she was naughty, she deserved it. She tried to take you from me, but it’s me you love, she can’t have you. She had to be punished.”

“You’re crazy Dru,” he growled reaching into his jacket and pulling out his cell phone, “I’m calling the police. And so help me if anything happens to her you’ll be sorry.” He dialled the number and asked for the police and an ambulance, he heard a creak on the stairs, Drusilla ran down and before he could stop her, she was gone.

Spike cradled Buffy close, “come on baby wake up,” he begged. He sat like that repeating the words for about ten minutes when he heard her moan in pain, he looked down, her eyes were slowly opening,]

“thank god,” he breathed. “you ok baby?”

“No,” she said in a pained voice, “it hurts,”

“What hurts?”

“Everything” she croaked. They stayed in the same position, the ambulance was taking far too long for Spike liking and he became even more anxious when a more alert Buffy let out a shrill scream.

“Buffy, what’s wrong?”

“The babies, Spike I think something’s wrong.” Buffy was crying as the pains continued to shoot through her.

“What?”

“I felt the pain when I first came to, it’s getting worse, I think something’s wrong.” She clung to Spike as the ambulance finally appeared, they could hear the sirens getting close. It had been about 30 minutes but at least they were almost there now. A few minutes later two paramedics rushed through the door, closely followed by police,

“What happened sir?” the paramedic asked.
“Her mum, pushed her down the stairs and ran. She’s 6 months pregnant. She’s having pains, what’s wrong?” Spike was close to tears himself.

“Well first, we need to get her to a hospital before we can know for sure. But considering what happened, she might be in labour?”

Spike looked at Buffy and her fresh wave of tears, and his own began to fall.

Chapter 18: Labour Pain

Neither Buffy nor Spike had ever been so terrified before. The ride to the hospital in the ambulance seemed to last forever. The journey was never- ending. The longer it took to get there, the less hope Spike held out. Buffy was in agony, she was conscious and during the ride to the hospital the paramedics had guessed at concussion from the fall, she had hit her head hard when she reached the bottom. Buffy had been in tears the whole way there, as had Spike, both terrified at the prospect of something happening to the babies.

And now they were at the hospital, and the fear had only increased. They had been there for an hour or so, and the doctor had seen Buffy. He had agreed with the paramedics about Buffy having a concussion and confirmed that Buffy had gone into labour. He told them that the fall would have caused it; it would have caused the babies to go into distress most likely. Also Buffy had gone into shock at first and that would have played a part. They had tried to give her something to stop the labour, but it hadn’t worked. And the babies were in too much distress, so the doctor gave them the news that the babies would have to be delivered early. Buffy had screamed and Spike had felt his world crumble. The doctor had told them a c- section was the best option at this point and so while the doctor prepared her for surgery, Spike had gone to call Willow and Xander and Lorne, knowing the would want to hear about it. But now that he had done that, he had to go back in. Buffy was in a mess, he had to be her support system; she would need him now more than ever. So wiping at his face, ridding it of tears, he tried to compose himself as best he could before opening the door and going into the room she had been put in.

She was still sobbing her heart out when he went in, it broke his heart. She wore the most devastated look he had ever seen and it would haunt him. The doctor and midwives were gone to prepare so it was just them. She was still in extreme pain but he knew she would be glad to see him. But looking at her he was filled with guilt. If only he had arrived a few minutes earlier, or stayed home that morning it wouldn’t have happened was what he kept telling himself. But knowing she needed him, he pushed it aside and went to her; sitting by the side of her bed he reached out and took her hand.

They remained quiet; they didn’t know what to say. Both afraid to speak. But after not very long, Buffy couldn’t hold it in any longer,

“Why did this happen to me?” she croaked, “Why does God hate me, because he must, because all this bad stuff happens to me. And Spike what are we going to do?”

“Baby, I don’t know. I’m so sorry, I wish I had gotten there sooner I could have stopped her. It’s all my fault, and I’m so sorry. If anything happens to these babies I’ll never forgive myself,” he couldn’t stop it; the tears came again.

“No!” Buffy said as loudly as she could through her own tears, “don’t blame yourself. You tried to get there on time. My mom is a psycho; she must have planned it. But I need you Spike, don’t fall apart on me. I need you too much. Please, I don’t know what I’ll do if you’re not here for me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promised, squeezing her hand tighter.

The doctor chose that moment to come in,

“It’s time,” he told them, “William, you can go and scrub up to go into theatre while we get Buffy ready.”

Spike nodded, kissing Buffy’s hand, “I’ll be right back. I’m gonna be with you all the way ok?”

Buffy gave a slight nod, before letting go of her hold on Spike’s hand, watching as he left the room again.

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut as they wheeled her out of the room, they had given her the local anaesthetic so that she wouldn’t feel anything even though she would be awake. She kept he eyes closed as she was wheeled down the corridor until she felt someone hold her hand. Looking up she saw Spike had joined them, dressed in the blue hospital scrubs he had been given, the little mask covering his mouth. He held her hand tight as the reached the operating theatre.

“I’ll be with you every step of the way,” he reminded her.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

The doors to then operating theatre opened and it was time.

Buffy couldn’t see what was happening, there was a screen type thing covering her lower half so that she couldn’t see. And while could have watched if he had chosen to, he couldn’t bring himself to. So while the surgery was going on he looked at Buffy, holding eye contact with her at all times. They couldn’t have said how much time had passed, both were just waiting, afraid of what was going to happen and what they were told. Eventually they heard a weak cry, barely audible. Before anything could be said the baby was whipped away, and the doctor kept working. Clinging to each other, they waited until a few minutes later, another small cry was heard. Again the baby was immediately taken away. While the doctors worked on stitching Buffy back up the prayed silently to be told what was going on. Buffy’s tears had never stopped and Spike was barely keeping himself together.

When Buffy was stitched up, and the babies had been in the world for about 30 minutes a midwife finally came to speak to them,
“You have two baby girls,” she gave a small smile.

“Daughters,” Buffy whispered, “how are they?”

“They’re very small. They only weigh a little over a pound each. They are tiny, they’ve been taken and put in incubators. The doctors have to run some checks, I won’t lie. We don’t know which way this will go. But I hope everything turns out okay. For now, you’ll be taken to your room and in a little while someone will come with a wheelchair to take you to see them. Mr Giles, you may be able to see them now for a moment.”

Spike looked at Buffy, “go,” she told him, “then come and tell me what they look like.

“Spike nodded, whispered “I love you,” and allowed himself to be led from the theatre.

Spike looked at the tiny little people in the incubators, his daughters. They were so small. And seeing them hooked up to all those machines, clinging to life was his worst nightmare. These were his children, he had been looking forward to their births and their being a happily family and now an evil woman may take that away from them. And he didn’t know what he would do if that happened. He memorised what they looked like, their faces etched in his mind forever. Wiping at his tears he kisses his fingertips, placing them on the glass of both incubators,

“Daddy loves you,” he said softly before he had to go.

He slipped into Buffy’s room, she finally seemed to have stopped crying, but he knew it wouldn’t last long. Sitting down in the seat by the bed he leaned over to kiss her softly.

“What are they like?” she asked.

“Beautiful,” he told her, “they have my eyes, I noticed that even though they only opened their eyes for a second. They look like their mum, so they’re lucky girls.”

“Howe ill are they?”

“I don’t know exactly. They’re tiny. Hooked up to a bunch of machines. They look so fragile.” He hated having to be the one to tell her but she had to know, they were her daughter’s too, it was her right. And as much as he didn’t want to upset her by telling her everything right now, she had to know. “The doctor’s haven’t said much. It’s touch and go, have to see how everything goes.”

He knew it was going to happen, she burst into tears again and he was quick to join her, “are we going to lose our babies?” she sobbed.
“I don’t know baby, I don’t know.”

“We can’t lose them Spike, I can’t have carried them for six months just to lose them now. I’m a mom Spike, we were going to be happy family, why would anyone want to take that away from us?”

Spike didn’t answer, he just moved onto the bed beside her and held her tight, crying their pain out together.

Buffy had fallen asleep, it was going to be a while before she could go and see the babies, she needed more rest first and the doctor’s wanted to keep running checks for the moment. Spike thought that while she was sleeping he should call their friends, let them know what was happening. But to his surprise, upon entering the waiting area he was ambushed with them all. Xander, Willow, Lorne and Ali were all there, all talking at once, asking what was going on, how Buffy was and the like. When they quietened down Spike answered,

“Buffy’s asleep. She’s upset. They had to do the emergency c- section. We have 2 daughters. They’re in intensive care in incubators. They’re tiny but the most beautiful babies I ever saw.” And when Lorne hugged him he broke down, “and I don’t know what I’m going to do if we lose them.”

Lorne hugged him, Spike had been Buffy’s support and now Lorne was being his. Although Spike had cried all day, he hadn’t let anything out and now he was. When the tears finally subsided he pulled back,

“Sorry,” he mumbled.

“Don’t be, Spike, pal, this is horrible. You have every right to cry, and I’m your best friend, I’m here for you. I pray everything works out,” Lorne said.

“Thanks,” Spike offered a poor imitation of a smile. “I’m gonna go back in, don’t want to be away from Buffy, she won’t see the babies for a while yet. But I want to be with her right now, you guys should go home and I’ll call if anything happens.”

“No way,” his friends chorused.

“We’re staying,” Willow assured him.

“Yeah what she said,” Xander agreed.

“Oh and Spike I called your dad, he’s getting the first plane in,” Lorne said.

“Thanks, I think I’ll be needing him,” he gave a wave to his friends before he turned his back to head back to Buffy.

She was still asleep when he got back, taking his place in the seat by the bed he kissed her head and whispered, “I love you, we’ll get through this together.”

He meant it, because after all, what other choice did they have?

Chapter 19: Seeing you for the first time

Buffy was scared, she was going to see her children today, and she knew that it was going to be both the best and the worst experience of her life. The best because these were her daughters. She had been anticipating their birth for the last 5 months, and now they were here. But when she saw them, she was going to have the knowledge that it could be the last time she saw them alive. She would have to look at her children, both so tiny and ill and know that she may not have them for long. And that made it the worst day of her life. A parent’s worst nightmare is that they won’t get to see their child grow up, won’t see them on their first birthday, or watch them get married and go on to have their own families. Those are the things a parent dreams about seeing and both Buffy and Spike had to accept that the chances of them seeing those things were small. And that is what made it the worst day of their lives.

Buffy wished Spike was holding her hand as they went to the intensive care unit, but he was pushing her wheelchair, the doctor still didn’t her to walk yet. So she made him talk to her while they walked, she didn’t think she couldn’t handle silence right now. As she saw the doors to the unit getting closer her fear only grew. Spike pushed the swing door open and manoeuvred Buffy though. He pushed her to the section where the twins were. And heard her gasp as she laid eyes on them.

“Help me up,” she ordered him.

Against his better judgement he did, and held onto her as she hobbled closer to the incubators,

“They’re so small,” she whispered.

“I know.”

“Spike, look at them, our daughters. The look so sick. They’re too tiny, how can anything so tiny survive? Is it even possible?” she wept.

“It is possible, and Buffy we have to believe that they will. Because right now hope is all that we have. We can’t give that up, we need to be able to hope.”

“But Spike, I don’t know if I can.”

“Buffy, you’re strong and they’re your daughters. They’re part of you, and you are the strongest woman I have ever met. You’re a fighter and so are they. Believe in that, believe in them,” he turned her to him and cuddled her. They both needed it.

“Do you think it would help if I talked to them?” she asked him.

“Maybe,” he answered, “it’s worth a shot. You do that, I’ll go see how they’ve been through the night.”

Buffy nodded as she watched him walk away.

She stood for a while just looking at them. Their eyes were closed. If not for all the tubes they would have looked like they were asleep and perfectly fine. Just a bit small. Eventually she found her voice and started to talk to them,

“Hey babies, I’m your mommy. I’ve waited a long time to see you, and believe it or not I wish I’d had to wait a bit longer. Because as much as I wanted to see you, I wanted you to be healthy more. I wanted to be able to hold you the first time I saw you, look at your eyes and see what colour they were. I wanted to listen to you cry because you were hungry or needed your diaper changed. Wanted to watch you snuggle into your daddy’s arms when he held you. I just wanted for you both to be ok. So I need you both to do me a favour ok? I need you both to be strong little girls and keep fighting so that I can see all of those things. Your daddy wants that too. So you can’t give up, you have to be ok and grow up to be beautiful girls and kind and caring. You just have to be ok,” Buffy’s voice broke on her last sentence. Just the thought of them not being there was enough to make her want to die herself. She needed them.

Spike felt his own tears on his cheeks as he listened; she hadn’t noticed him yet. He and the doctor had got there just as she started her speech and neither wanted to disturb her. He heard her echo his own thoughts. He wanted those things too. All he ever wanted was to be a father. He wanted his own family to take care of. He had his parents and they were good to him, but he had never felt close to his own dad, not really. He wanted to be different; he wanted to be there for his children through everything. To have the kind of family he had always dreamed of with a woman he loved. And it could be ripped out of his hands at the final hurdle. Was God really that cruel?

He looked at the doctor and coughed to let Buffy know they were there, he went over and held onto her because she still didn’t want to go back in the wheelchair, turning to the doctor, they both waited for news,

“Well, your daughters are lovely little things,” he started, “but I suppose at the minute you just want to know how they’re doing. Well since you haven’t named them yet I’ll explain as best as I can. The twin on the left has been doing okay. She got through the night fine. Whereas baby on the right is the opposite, she got through the night but she is the sicker of the two. She stopped breathing once, and we think there may be some internal bleeding. We’re running more tests to pinpoint the problem. At the moment the chances are still small. But it isn’t impossible for them to live. I’ll keep you both informed as to what’s happening.” With a nod he left them alone again.

Buffy and Spike couldn’t speak, they were relived on one hand that one of their daughters seemed to be doing ok, but distressed that the other was ill. But all they could do was wait.

“Let’s go back to your room, luv.”

With a nod Buffy got back in the wheelchair and let him push her from the cubicle, silent tears still falling from both their eyes.

Spike left her when Willow and the others arrived to visit. Lorne told him his dad was outside, so he left Buffy with his friends to go and see him. When his dad saw him and threw his arms around his son, Spike began to shake. All he had done for two days was cry and they weren’t going to stop now, especially now.

“I’m so sorry,” Rupert Giles told him, holding him tight. He led them over to a row of seats and let Spike sit down and then took the chair next to him.

“I don’t know what to do dad,” Spike confided.

“Yes you do,” Rupert told him, “you don’t give up. You let Buffy know you’re in this together.”

“But what if we lose them, she tried to kill herself once before, and I think losing them will really push her over.”

“Not if you help her, she needs you, and you need her just as much. The only way this can beat you is if you forget that. Your children need you both to be strong for them.”

“I know,” Spike agreed, “it’s just so hard.”

“I understand. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through, but remember that you have people around you who care and they will help you through.” His father reminded him.

“You want to see them, before you meet Buffy?” Spike offered.

“I’d love to,” Spike stood to show him the way.

About 20 minutes later, Rupert’s own tears had finally dried. He had taken one look at the two helpless girls and hadn’t been able to avoid it. It was a tradition now, everyone was crying all of the time. Spike opened the door to Buffy’s room and before doing anything else he went to her and gave her a kiss.

Buffy looked up at the older man, he smiled warmly and came over to hug her lightly,

“Hello, it’s good to meet you. I’m just sorry it had to be under these circumstances.”

“Yeah me too,” Buffy gave him a watery smile. “Nice to meet you Mr. Giles.”

“Please, just Giles is fine.”

“Ok,” Buffy said softly. She took hold of Spike’s hand. Even with all their friends there she needed to remind herself that he was there. Needed proof of it.
Seeing their friends needed some time, Willow spoke up

“We should go for now, but we’ll be back.”
“Ok,” Buffy hugged her friend and thanked them all for coming and after a round of goodbye’s she watched them leave.

“You ok baby?” he asked.

“Just been thinking.”

“About what?”

“Names, we still haven’t named them. And that’s not fair, it’s like they don’t exist if they don’t have names.” She rambled on.

“Ok, calm down pet, we’ll name them. We already chose names, we just have to decide which is which.”

“That’s what I was thinking, those names just don’t seem right. But I was thinking about a couple of names I saw when we were deciding and I just think the fit,” she admitted.

“What were they?” he inquired.

“Um, well the first is Megan, I thought we could call the stronger twin that because it means strong. And for the sicker of the two I though we could call her Nadine, because it means hope. And it’s something we need a lot of,” she was trying to lighten the mood because she was out of tears, for the minute at least.

“They’re beautiful, luv, and I think they’re perfect.” He kissed her on the forehead. “Let’s go see them.”

This time she managed to walk, when they got there the midwife opened the small window on the side of the incubator so they could put their hands inside.
“You want to tell the their names?” Spike offered.

“No, we’ll both tell one,” Buffy moved to the incubator on the left while Spike went to right. Reaching their hands inside to hold their daughter’s tiny hands.

Buffy, with a lump in her throat said, “Hi, Megan.”

While Spike, held onto his daughter’s hand and whispered, “hey Nadine. You’re daddy’s little girl aren’t you?”

She clutched his finger tighter.

Chapter 20: Heartbreak

The next two weeks passed in something of a blur. Buffy had been released from hospital and for the first week had spent every day and night at the hospital, as had Spike. But eventually the doctors had persuaded them that there was nothing they could do. So they had been going home at night and going back early in the morning. The doctors had found that Nadine had bleeding to her brain. Which was an obvious setback. They had managed to stop it in the end, but still lowered Nadine’s chances. Megan was still doing ok; she had taken a turn for the worse a week ago but was on the mend again. The doctor’s were optimistic about her chances. But Buffy and Spike could see in their faces that they didn’t hold out much hope for Nadine.

But there had been no change in the past couple of days, Nadine was at her strongest at the minute and Buffy and Spike had their fingers crossed. They had arranged for their friends to finally come and see the twins. So far nobody but Buffy, Spike and Giles had. They wanted to see how things were going first, and now seemed like the best time. No time like the present as the saying goes. Giles was picking Willow and Xander up to bring them to the hospital at noon. Buffy and Spike had been there since 8. They had done the same thing as everyday, sitting by the incubators, hands through the small windows on the side of the incubators, their daughters holding onto their fingers. They spoke to them, told them how much the loved them and made plans for when they were better and could do all that family stuff. It was what they had to do to keep going. It was their only way to keep from sinking.

Just after midday they went outside to wait for their friends. They all arrived a short time later. Willow opted to wait until last for her turn to see the twins, saying she had to work up some courage. So the others went in one at a time, talking to the twins for a moment, looking at them. And they all came out with tears in their eyes and proceeded to tell Buffy and Spike how beautiful their children were and how they were praying for them to get better, especially now that they had seen them. The twins had a place in all of their hearts.

Buffy could see the fear on Willow’s face,
“You ready to go in yet Wills?”

“I, I think so.”

Buffy took her arm and led her in, showing her where the twins were and then leaving her alone with them. Willow looked at them, so small and helpless. All she could think was how these tiny little things had survived so long. And how much longer they would. In her mind, as she looked at the ill Nadine, her only thought was ‘we’re going to lose her.’ She was just to small, and to look at her you could see how sick she was. While Megan had some rosy colouring in her cheeks, Nadine was white as a sheet. She was even thinner than her sister, and you would never be able to find baby clothes to fit her. She remembered going shopping and choosing out beautiful pink dresses with Buffy and imagining the day when she and Buffy would take them walks in the pram while Spike worked at home, she remembered imaging being their favourite aunt and hearing tiny voices calling for ‘auntie Willow.’ She remembered all those chats she’d had with Buffy about when they were older and how they would play with their hair. Willow remembered telling Buffy that the first person to be asked to baby-sit had to be her. And now as she looked at them all she saw was the pain that was inevitable. Because she knew the chances were small. And it hurt because she had looked forward to these babies almost as Buffy and Spike themselves. Looked forward to being an ‘auntie’ and now that may never happen with these two beautiful girls. She could feel the tears stinging her eyes, threatening to spill at any moment. But she had watched everyone else fall apart today and she just had to hold them back. Had to show that the normally, weak and emotional Willow could be strong, and concentrate on how her friends were feeling. Because this wasn’t about her or her feelings. How she was feeling didn’t matter right now. So she bit the tears back, and placing her hands on the incubators, with a whispered goodbye, she turned and left them alone again.

The others hadn’t stayed long after Willow had come out of the room, and Buffy had been surprised to see her look so composed. With a round of hugs they left, Buffy and Spike doing the same soon after. It was a Sunday and they had hardly slept in two weeks so they were going home for a while just to relax, but first the made sure they would be contacted if there was even the slightest of changes in the twins’ conditions.

They had been asleep for a couple of hours when the phone rang, Spike picked it up to hear the doctor on the other end. Within five minutes Spike and Buffy were in the car and on their way back to the hospital. It was like the world stopped spinning as they waited for news from the doctor. Time had come to a standstill and it was like time would never start up again, and in a way they wished it wouldn’t. Because if it did, they didn’t know what they were going to be told. But they weren’t lucky enough for it to stay still, and sooner as opposed to later, the doctor showed up. He took Buffy and Spike to a nearby office and told them to sit. They clasped hands as they waited for the information

“We noticed some changes in Nadine and she became very ill a little while ago, I just finished the tests. It would appear Nadine has had a brain haemorrhage, a stroke of sorts. Now considering that Nadine is already very ill, and so young, the effects on her are much worse. The effects are that if she does survive the chances are that she will be both mentally and physically disabled. And she will always be poorly. There is a small chance that this won’t be the case but it is likely that she will have these effects. We are going to be keeping an even closer eye on her. As for Megan, she is still doing perfectly fine, which is surprising. But we aren’t going to question it, let’s just be thankful for that. I’ll let you go now, I just knew you’d want to know this all straight away.”

Spike being the first person able to find his voice shook the doctor’s hand, “Thank you.”

He helped Buffy to her feet, allowing her to lean on him, seeing the devastated look in her eyes. It mirrored his own feelings, but he had to be her strength. He took her to their daughters where they held each other and wept.

Chapter 21: Nadine

The next two weeks saw a series if ups and downs, highs and lows. One-minute things were looking up and the next they were sinking back down to the bottom. It was excruciatingly hard. And also emotionally exhausting for all involved. Both twins had had setbacks but generally Megan was still doing fine. She had put on a little bit of weight and she seemed to be getting stronger. Nadine’s setbacks however had been more major. She was fighting for survival and clinging to life with everything that she had. Both girls were fighters, refusing to give up yet. And Buffy and Spike were proud of them. They still spent every day at the hospital. Giles, Lorne, Ali and Xander had all been to see the twins again a couple of times. But Willow had never returned to the hospital, unable to face it. But without fail, every day she called Buffy to check on how they were doing and ensuring they were still fighting. And every day she was told they were doing just that, fighting; surviving. She gradually became a bit more optimistic. More hopeful that both would be okay.

But that was not to be, Buffy had called to tell her that Nadine had been diagnosed as having a leaking valve to her heart and surgery would be needed to correct it. The worst of it was that she had been especially poorly in the previous few days. But the operation had to go ahead in the next couple of days. Because of the illness she was already suffering from they knew there were increased risks in the surgery, an increased chance that she wouldn’t pull through from the surgery. So they had decided to have her baptised beforehand. Lorne and Willow were asked to be godparents to Nadine, while Xander and Ali would be godparents to Megan. Buffy and Spike had decided they wanted both of their children to be baptised together. So on the day before the surgery, Willow drew all of the strength she could and went to the hospital. And she stood by the incubator, a proud smile on her face for this little fighter as the minister baptised them. It was impossible not to feel at least a twinge of happiness, but it was very bittersweet.

Buffy and Spike were proud parents throughout the whole thing, even though they were well aware of the reasons for the baptism taking place on this specific day. After the others left, Buffy and Spike remained where they were, refusing to leave their daughters’ side. They stayed with them all through the day and night, just watching and hoping. And when the doctors came for Nadine the next day to take her to surgery they kissed her tiny forehead and whispered their goodbyes, hoping they wouldn’t be the last.

The long hours waiting for the surgery to finish and to hear some news were agonising. They sat with their stronger daughter, the only bit of comfort they could find. They needed to see her breathe; convince themselves that she was going to stay strong. And convincing themselves of that Megan would be okay they could almost believe that Nadine would be too. Maybe it was a dream; a fantasy that they were kidding themselves with. But it was a dream that they had to hold on to. They had to clutch it close to their hearts and never let it go. At least, not until they knew for sure there was no chance of it ever coming true.

They were almost beside themselves with fear and worry by the time the doctor finally came to let them know how the surgery had gone. When Buffy saw him approach she jumped from her seat asking,

“Is she okay? Did the surgery work?”

Spike stood by her side, awaiting the doctor’s response.

“Well the surgery was successful and Nadine is still with us.”

He watched the two parents let out relieved breaths before continuing

“We will be keeping an even closer eye on her. She is weakened from the surgery and there could still be complications such as infection setting in or any number of things. We’re going to be keeping a close eye on her. Hopefully it will be okay.”

Buffy sighed, “Thank you, doctor.” She attempted a small, grateful smile before tuning back to Megan.

They went home later that night, Spike and the doctors had over time been able to persuade Buffy that there was nothing they could do at the hospital and they would be much better off and of much more use after a night’s rest. She had given in only due to the fact that she hadn’t slept in two days. They were barely at home for an hour before they were curled up in bed, fast asleep. Their sleep was restless at times, but for the most part they were both so tired that it was an almost sound sleep. But there was always that undercurrent of fear and worry that cursed both ever sleeping and every waking moment. But for that one night, it wasn’t quite so bad.

The following two days were much of the same. They spent their days in hospital and their nights at home asleep. Or at least getting as much sleep as they could. And the longer the news they received regarding Nadine was good, the more peaceful their sleep became. Their worry lessened with each day and night that passed with nothing going wrong with their most ill daughter.

Three days after the operation Buffy and Spike walked into the hospital hand in hand, accompanied by Giles. They were feeling optimistic. It was exactly a month since the twins were born. And also, three days had passed since Nadine’s operation and everything appeared to be going fine. Their good moods disappeared when the were met by the grim faced doctor at the door of the intensive care unit. He asked to speak to them. Buffy’s heart was in her throat, but she nodded and allowed the doctor to usher them to his office.

When everyone was seated they waited to be told what was going on. Buffy, Spike and Giles couldn’t ask. They were too afraid. The doctor cleared his throat, dreading what he had to tell these people, especially Buffy. She was young and a mother and this would break her heart but it had to be done, he sat down behind his desk,

“Buffy, Spike, I have to tell you that an infection has set in from the surgery. It’s called septicaemia. We had to resuscitate her several times during the night. With everything that has gone wrong with her since her birth she is just too ill. She is going to be severely disabled is she survives which at the moment is seeming less and less likely. I think, in my honest opinion that maybe it’s for the best that you consider switching the life support machines now.”

Buffy turned to Spike, and with one look into his eyes, she broke down.

“Can we have some time to think about it?” Spike requested.

The doctor nodded and Spike led Buffy out of the office. Once they were outside he put his arms around her, crying with her.

“I want to see her now,” Buffy whispered.

“Ok,” still holding her he took her to their daughter.

Buffy wept as she stood by the incubator, she could admit that Nadine looked more ill now than ever. Spike watched too, his beautiful little girl. And she was going to be taken away from them.

“What do we do Spike?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. But I want to talk to her.

He moved in front of Buffy and opened the incubator’s small window, slipping his hand inside; he began to talk to her,

“Hey, princess. You’re in a lot of pain aren’t you? But you’ve been so strong up until now and mummy and I are so proud of you. But maybe now you just want to rest, is that want you want princess? You have to tell daddy, what do you want? If you want to go now, tell me, we’ll do whatever you want.”

He waited, and a moment later she opened her eyes and clutched his finger tight. Looking up before her eyes closed again. It was time.

Before anything was done, they called Willow and the others to come. They all dropped what they were doing to be there. If they were going to lose her, they would all be there. Because they were all a family. One by one they all went in. Although still hooked up to her life support machine they took Nadine out of her incubator so that everyone could hold her just once. There wasn’t a dry eye left by the time everyone retreated to the hallway. Leaving Buffy and Spike alone with their daughter.

Spike sat clutching his baby daughter close, whispering how much he loved her. Buffy took her turn next. But they knew the longer they waited the harder it would be.

So Buffy moved to allow Spike to sit beside her, holding Nadine close and cuddling to them, and then nodded to the doctor. They held their breath as they watched the doctor solemnly move and switch the machines off. Buffy and Spike didn’t try to hold back their tears, they fell freely as for a moment or two they watched their daughter breathe on her own, her chest rising and falling with each one. It was a sight they had prayed for, and they knew that this would be the only time they would ever see it. And within a couple of minutes of the machine being switched off, and her chest fell for the last time. They held her eternally still body close to them, Spike leaned down to kiss her, stroking her tiny head and as his tears continued to fall as he whispered to her

“Sleep tight sweetheart.”

And Buffy cried out.

A/N: The song at the end belongs to me, i wrote it when my neice died.

Chapter 22: Endings- Part 1: Sweet Dreams

1 year later

Buffy stood silently looking. She didn’t expect anything to happen, nothing was going to change. The past couldn’t be changed. She felt Spike’s presence behind her, not speaking just looking along with her. They were both thinking of how life would have had things worked out differently.

The marble head- stone stood there, proclaiming the resting place of their precious baby girl. The marble was simple in shape, but sculpted in the marble was a beautiful scene. Clouds and a rainbow adorned one-corner fairies in the other. It was a picture of beauty, perfection. And they hoped the place where the precious baby girl had gone was equally as beautiful. The words inscribed in the stone had been kept simple, but it showed every feeling that had to be shared, it read

“Nadine Giles June 19th 2004- July 19th 2004
Treasured daughter of William and Buffy
Beloved twin sister of Megan
You weren’t in our lives for long; but you will be in our
Hearts forever. Sweet Dreams, Sweetheart.”

Buffy could remember the day of the funeral like it was yesterday. Her daughter in a tiny white coffin. The service had been held at Willow’s, her house was big and it had always been like a second home to Buffy. It wasn’t practical to have it at the apartment but they wanted it to be personal so they decided on holding it there. There weren’t a lot of people in attendance. Just Willow and Xander and some people Buffy knew from school. A few of the teachers showed up. Buffy didn’t really have any family so there was nobody else there from her side. Spike had Giles and his step- mother Joyce. Lorne and Ali were there to support them both. And a some people from Spike’s shop. A few neighbours completed the turnout. But they weren’t disappointed. The people who really mattered were there, they had each other. That was enough. The tough part was standing through the service, listening to the minister as he performed it and trying to stay strong in front of everyone. And as hard as that was, it would only get harder. Watching Spike as he carried the tiny coffin from the house to the hearse to be taken to the cemetery. That was when it all became so real. Too real, because she couldn’t pretend any more that it was just a bad dream and that soon she would wake up and her children would still be inside of her and everything would be ok. She couldn’t kid herself that none of it had really happened. As she watched her fiancée, his best friend, his father and her own best friend lower the tiny coffin into the ground with the long white cords she couldn’t stay strong anymore. She broke down, her knees turned to jelly as she fell to the ground crying out her grief. When he let go of the cord, Spike rushed to her side, gathering her in his arms, allowing his own walls to crumble and his tears to fall. He cried along with her for their lost child. The child they would never see grow up, graduate high school and get married. They would never see both of their twin daughters together. And the grief the shared was overwhelming. They were clinging to each other, because if the didn’t one or both of them would go under. And they knew they wouldn’t come up again. They would be lost in their grief and they would let it destroy them. So they kept clinging. The rest of the burial passed in a daze and the small gathering back at their own apartment afterwards was the same.

There was a group of people just sitting around, many of them terribly upset. Their close friends tried to console Buffy and Spike, but the couldn’t. They put brave faces on for their guests, but their real friends could see easily through the façade. All they could do was try and be there for them. Because they were going to need all of the support they could get for the next weeks. None of them had ever experienced what their friends were going through now, and they could only pray that they never would. Buffy and Spike prayed for it too.

When everyone finally left Giles had driven them to the hospital. They had felt the need to be In the presence of their living daughter. Because it reminded them of what they still had to live for, what they needed to survive for. They stayed all night. Normally they would have been told to go home eventually but the doctor showed compassion, knowing what the day had been. He offered his condolences once again and left them be. Knowing that right now, there with their daughter was most likely where they needed to be. They had fallen asleep soon after, curled together in a chair, lulled by the reassuring beep of Megan’s life support machine. She was still there.

Finally allowing herself to come back to reality, Buffy wiped away the single tear. She didn’t look back but she knew Spike was still behind her. She reached her hand behind her back, allowing him to grasp it, she didn’t look around but she did speak to him

“Do you think she’s happy where she is now?” She had asked him the question many times since the funeral but his answer always comforted her.

“Yeah I do, she won’t be in any pain now. And she’ll be well protected. But most importantly, wherever she is, she won’t be having nightmares of pain. She’ll be having what we wished for her, she’ll be having sweet dreams.”

They both smiled.

You’re the one person i'll never get to know,
but you're the one I think of no matter where I go,
you're in my thoughts all of the time,
no matter what you're on my mind

chorus

in my heart i'll keep a place,
it's where you left that empty space,
that's where i'll keep my love for you,
and all the things
we'll never do

we will never play together,
or see each new change of weather,
never do what others do,
I’ve been lost cos we lost you

in my heart i'll keep a place,
it's where you left that empty space,
that's where i'll keep my love for you,
and all the things
we'll never do

you may not be around,
but in my heart
my memories are safe and sound,
i'll remember seeing you,
and so this is what i'll do

In my heart i'll keep a place,
it's where you left that empty space,
that's where i'll keep my love for you,
and all the things
we'll never do

In my heart i'll keep a place,
it's where you left that empty space,
that's where i'll keep my love for you,
and all the things
we'll never do

Endings- Part 2: Moving On With Memories of A Year Ago

Buffy chewed nervously on her lip later that same day. Willow was doing her best to keep her as calm as possible.

“Buffy, stop worrying. Everything will be fine,” Willow assured her.

“What if it isn’t?” Buffy disagreed.

With a sigh Willow took her by the arm and led her to a seat in the middle of the room, “Sit,” she ordered. When Buffy had done as she was told, Willow moved behind her and started on removing the curling rollers from Buffy’s hair.

“I’m only going to say this once more Buff, everything will be fine. It’s all going to work out.”

“But What if this is the wrong time for this though, Willow?” Buffy asked with a shaky voice.

Willow stopped what she was doing to sit down on the bed while Buffy turned to face her, looking ready to cry, Willow held her hand.

“Buffy, you have had a super crappy year. You have been through more in this past year than anyone your age should have had to go through ever, as in lifetime ever, Karma ever, ever, ever, and… And I’m guessing that your mother apparently disappearing off the face of the earth doesn’t help. But Buffy, you can’t let the stuff that happened stop you from living your life. If anything you should use what happened as an incentive to make sure you achieve happiness because you deserve it. You’ll never forget Nadine, it’ll always hurt, but don’t be afraid to move on.”

Buffy leaned over to hug her friend, needing the comfort, “Thanks Wills,” she said softly.

“No problem,” Willow gave her a small smile, “now let’s make you beautiful.” They shared a laugh before Willow went back to working on Buffy’s hair.

Spike drove around Sunnydale, needing some time alone. It had been a while since he had felt that need but after the earlier visit at Nadine’s grave, he had just needed to be alone. Needed time to reflect, figure things out for himself. It had almost broken him to lose his daughter. He had made some stupid mistakes since it had happened, messed up a lot. He had tried to be strong for Buffy but unfortunately he hadn’t always succeeded, and it was his own fault when she left.

He had pulled away from her, become absorbed in his own hurt. He couldn’t let anybody, least of all Buffy, share that pain. He wanted to wallow in his own hurt. And he did, turning to anything but the woman he claimed to love. He never cheated on her, he never would have because deep down he still loved her, but he was afraid to show it. Afraid that if he showed his love for her, he would lose her just as he had his daughter. So he drank, drank himself into an oblivion until Buffy couldn’t handle it anymore and she walked out on him. She went to stay with Willow, telling him they needed time apart to sort themselves out, to let him sort his head out. They had stayed good friends, and visited Nadine’s grave together. It was something they had to do together, because at the end of the day, although he couldn’t open up about his pain, he still knew that she felt it too and she was the only person who could understand how he was feeling. So once a week they went there together, even though they weren’t together.

Buffy balanced Megan on her knee; she found it hard to believe that her daughter was a year old already. It had been hard that day, happy and sad at the same time. She and Spike had taken Megan to visit her sister on her birthday. They felt it was the right thing to do. Buffy had to hand it to Spike; he had made a mess of some things but never of fatherhood. He was terrific with Megan and she adored him. He had picked her up without fail from Willow’s every Friday evening and took her home with him, spending quality time with her until he brought her back on a Sunday evening. When he had finally gotten his act together and stopped drinking, his love for his daughter was as clear as the light of day. He visited her throughout the week too and babysat when Buffy went out with Willow, or when she was out on a while after the break up. Always without a word of complaint or a bad word against Buffy. He was supportive, helping Buffy out when she needed it. It had taken him a couple of months after she left to sort himself out, but the change in him was amazing and obvious to everyone around him. Buffy had always felt bad when she was going out on dates when Spike was there to watch Megan, therefore seeing her leave with her boyfriend. She hated the hurt look in his eyes, but she had to move on. It was the only way. Buffy looked down at her daughter who was beginning to fall asleep and moved her to lay on the seat beside her, she looked at the front of the car that Xander had been driving, but now it was just sitting, parked by the pavement, the moment drawing closer.

Spike sat behind the wheel of his Desoto outside of Willow’s; he had no tears left to cry after this past year but there was always that pang in his heart. And he couldn’t believe this day was here. Looking at his watch he couldn’t believe it, it was time. She was gone. So, he put the car in gear and drove off

Buffy stepped out of the car and smoothed down her dress. She gave a nervous glance to Willow and Xander. Willow held Megan in her arms, smiling at Buffy she asked,

“You ready?”

Buffy nodded, “Yeah, I think I am.”

“Well then, let’s go.” Xander took Buffy by the arm, leading her away from the car while Willow followed right behind.

There was no music as Buffy watched Willow begin to walk, carrying the now awake Megan. When she finished walking Buffy turned and smiled at Xander whom she had asked to give her away. He squeezed her arm before beginning to walk. She looked around at the few people gathered, it was a small ceremony, and it was all (that) she wanted. Her dress was strapless, and had small pink roses embroidered in the bodice, it was well into the summer so it was a bright, sunny day. She looked at her groom, who smiled at her. When Buffy stopped walking she took Megan from Willow and turned to him, she handed Megan over to her dad.

Spike’s smile seemed to reach his eyes. He’d thought he had lost all chance of this day ever coming. Until 3 months ago, when on one of their trips to visit their daughter’s grave they had realised they still needed each other just as much as ever, and they still wanted to be together. So they worked to make their relationship get back to normal. He forced himself to share his feelings and when he finally opened up, everything seemed like it would be fine, and their relationship had reverted back to the same strong, loving relationship it had been before. And when a month after they reunited he had asked Buffy to wear her engagement ring again and she accepted, they made plans. And now the day was here.

As he took Megan from her he smiled, this seemed right. They both looked down at the headstone beside them. They had chosen to be married by their daughter’s grave. Because they both felt they couldn’t be married without both their girls present and this was the closest they could get to having them both there, so here is where they would be married.

When the minister started the ceremony they continued to look at each other, working through the ceremony as if they were in a dream until it came to the vows. Spike went first.

“Buffy, I messed up a lot in the past, and I almost lost you forever, but it amazes me that you stood by me. You didn’t give up on me, even when we weren’t together you had faith that I would be ok. You didn’t just give me strength; you are my strength. I promise you that I will spend the rest of my life making up for the mistakes I made and the time we lost. I will be there for you whenever you need me; I will look after you and listen to you. I will comfort you when you need a shoulder to lean on. And I will continue to love you. Because I loved you the first time I saw you and it’s the one thing that has never changed. My love only continued to grow and I promise to nurture that love and show you how much I love you, every day for the rest of our lives.”

Buffy felt the tears in her eyes, but she tried to stay calm. She didn’t want to be crying as she recited her own vows. So with confirmation from the minister she took a deep breath and proceeded,

“Spike, you saved me, literally. You cared about me without knowing anything about me. You wouldn’t allow me to just give up on life or on myself and I have been grateful for that every single day. You give me faith in myself. I promise you that I won’t ever give up, on myself, or on you, and most importantly not on us. I will love you more with each passing day, I will be there for you any time you need me. I will be your strength, and do everything in my power to make you happy. And I promise to work with you to overcome any obstacles that may stand in our way, because I know that we can face anything together. And I promise that for as long as I live I will love you, and show you that I do, every day.”

Spike reached out with one hand to lace his fingers with hers as the minister continued the ceremony, and when he announced that they were man and wife Spike kissed her gently. A small but loving kiss to seal their commitment. Their friends and Giles applauded for the new Mr and Mrs. Giles, and they beamed at them. Spike still held Megan and Willow snapped a picture of the three of them, Buffy and Spike staring into each others eyes, with Megan in her father’s arms, a happy family.

The few guests left to give them a moment alone. It was hard to believe that their little girl had died a year ago today. But it had seemed the right time to marry. They could bring some happiness to such a sad day and they could begin to move on. So as Buffy laid her small bouquet of pink roses on Nadine’s grave before standing up she smiled, whispered ‘I love you’, and turned to her husband and daughter. She took his hand as they began to walk away. They could move on now, they would keep up the tradition of visiting their daughter and she would always be in their hearts. But now they could begin to move on from the hurt, but they would always have the memories of what happened a year ago.

Delta Goodrem - A Year Ago Today Lyrics
Another year older
A little bit stronger
A little bit wiser than?
A year ago today

Looking over my shoulder
I was so much younger then
I can't believe what happened
A year ago today

And I just can't forget about it
It wouldn't mean a thing
You went away
A year ago today

Another year gone by
Oh the tears have run dry
Life seemed so unkind
A year ago today

And I just can't understand it
And I don't think I ever will
You went away
A year ago today

And how many times have I questioned myself
What more could I do
And how many times did I fool myself
Over you oh? yeah

You've gotta pick yourself up,
Take another look
And dust yourself off cause life's not too good,
I'll say it to myself and I'll say it again
Lover will never end

And though we're so far apart
You're forever in my heart

Another year older
A little bit stronger
On this anniversary
You're watching over me

You went away
A year ago today

You went away
A year ago today

-FIN-